So very tired of exsitence

Hi all, It is very sad that we are forced, I am forced to live in a world that kills all life so freely and they justify it in their minds as either a good thing or a needed evil. Our world Governments kill without pause. But If I want to Leave what I view as a painful and unjust life I am considered of ill mental health. I have been diagnosed with major depression for many years. I have been on many drugs, did therapy from 1991 to 1997, I am 55 yo. Gay and blah, blah , blah. I am looking for a lawyer that is willing to take on our established  world belief, that it is better to live in pain of any sort is better than wanting to crossover to nonexistence with peace and dignity at the very end before  nothingness   becomes my new state of being. I should not be made and forced to live in a world that is so willing to kill all life, from rapping our mother earth, destroying a multitude of life forms on a daily basis out of greed and selfishness. I just do not understand!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!my pain is great I am getting older, my body is starting to fail, I am in physical pain every day in some part of my body, I do not have unlimited finances very little in fact. I am such a whiner, lol. But the biggest pain is life itself and my discomfort with it. So why I am suicidal and I want to die, but i crave it to be a beautiful blessing, I do not feel bad about leaving this world, it is the pressure of friends and family that cause me pain because they will not let me go with  dignity and my self respect intact.  I want a party with the music I love and the friends and family to join me in the joy that Death can bring. No judgement on anyone. For me all I have to do is look around watch the news and absorb the out flow of human insanity an I question all of those  that feel life is a gift, a precious thing, the biggest blessing upon high that has bestowed upon us. WOW I must be an Alien from another dimension and I want to go home now, because I just do not see the allure to life here. I WANT TO DIE < BUT I DO NOT WANT TO KILL MYSELF IN GRIZZLY WAY< I WANT TO END THIS EXISTENCE IN A BEAUTIFUL PEACEFUL DIGNIFIED MANNER. Well anyway, whatever Maybe whoever reads this will understand maybe not, I feel very sad, because what I think I see our world turning in to, and so many do not, A bad time is not far off for Earth’s little men far worse than they think, Hope I am wrong, but I still want to leave this place. I send love and Light to all like minded and I will pray that we all find a way away from here with love, dignity and respect from others. Take care and be  free.