Hi Guys
I am back. It has been an odd couple of weeks since I was last here and posted. I want to share the story though, maybe it helps others who are feeling similar and wondering what it all means. I have definitely not got the answer though.
My last post was about how weak I was, how I thought I was strong but I couldn’t stay anymore. I cleared out my office at work that weekend. I spent a lot of time getting rid of EVERYTHING and also making sure that there was nothing of ME left anymore. I wanted to make it all as though I never existed. Went around and kind of said my goodbyes (though no one was here of course). It felt liberating and I was happy in a sense (though I think it was more relief). I have seen here some people have said making a decision is the most important thing, and I decided I was going to die.
Went home and put my noose around my neck and started to inject my drug to induce sleep. I cried so hard and felt how I started to black out and the freedom and peace was exhilarating. Then at the last second, something kicked in, and I lifted up my knee enough to get out of the noose and then blacked out. Woke up feeling naturally very bad. After the weekend, my colleagues called the police as I had “Disappeared” and got dragged off to the psych unit again. Managed to talk my way out and tried again to end it all. But I couldn’t do it.
So that is the story, but what does it all mean? I am not afraid to die, I made peace with that a very long time ago (have tried seriously 5 times anyway with OD). I still have nothing, alone, desperate and feeling how I am not a part of this World. I still have all my issues (anorexia/bulimia, OCD, body dysmorphic disorder, self harm, social anxiety, paranoia and even my suicidal thoughts). I know now though that all I seek is an end to my pain, plain and simple. For many of us, death is the relief and I wish more than anything that I had ended it all the first time or actually even the second time when I had woken up in intensive care. I know I have nothing to live for, do not enjoy anything, and feel nothing but the pain we all describe.
Thing is, I am still here. It hurts, the pain is not going away, but maybe it doesn’t have too, not yet. Living with the pain has kind of been my “normal” but I know from the past that it is probably only a matter of time before the pain takes over again. I find small things every day, pointless things mostly, to stay here. A new tattoo, or a football match to look forward too, a new pair of shoes, jeans, anything. I know they all mean nothing and after I feel as though it was not worth it. But it eats the days away and before you know it a new day has come. I actually think it is a pointless existence and I tire of it, but I am still here to tire of it.
I hope that maybe others can see some similarities in their lives and can maybe draw strength from this update. I am not here to say it is fantastic or life is brilliant. I am actually sure my life will never be good again, I am gone, lost in a sea of despair and I may never come back from it (then come back to what, it is all pointless anyway). BUT, I am still here and at some point that has to start counting for something. I hope.
Take care
1 comment
Welcom back, I was wondering how you went after your last post. I know how you feel, i’m supposed to be ending it all tomorrow night. Its odd that now the time has come so close that I feel good that it’s almost over, which in turn makes you second guess whether or not to do it. I guess only time will tell. I have left my options open tho incase i chicken out or fail, I am just taking a couple of days off work. I know tho if I don’t do it, life will just go back to normal once the calmness of knowing death is close has worn off.