For a week I was able to stay away from thoughts of suicide and I was able to keep myself busy enough to barely notice my sadness. But that all came crashing down yesterday before resulting in this strange mixture of apathy and sadness I feel right now.
I hate feeling nothing.
Feeling nothing is as bad as feeling massively miserable, if not worse due to the guilt that goes with not giving a shit about stuff you know you should give a shit about.
I have important exams this year, it less than a fortnight’s time but I have yet to make myself care enough to study and put in any effort. It just all feels so fucking meaningless most of the time.
My great grandma died lately and I didn’t shed a single tear, because I simply couldn’t even make myself feel anything for a lovely lady who’s been a constant presence in my life.
I keep getting really angry at my parents and I don’t care of they’re pissed off at me, though I know I should care because they’re my parents.
The worst thing, though, is the fact that I keep crying and getting angry even though I don’t care in my head. It’s like, if I do something impulsive, like yell at someone or burst into tears, I ask myself why the fuck I’m so emotional and then I realise I don’t actually care.
And on top of all of that, all I want right now is to curl up in bed and never have to wake up again.
I just want to disappear.
1 comment
That’s the thing.. it’s different, but it’s still okay.
I decided to go my own ways a few years ago having tried everything I could to “make things better” in my family. Why couldn’t they stop fighting? Why couldn’t we be happy? I burned out.. I don’t feel what I felt before back then. And I hate them for that. I hate life for that.. I would love to love them as when I was a little kid. But it’s just a fact that I don’t. We develop and grow. It’s not perfect, but it’s different. We’re not going to be our parents. But we’re different. Maybe better, maybe not.
Like you, I wanted to escape.. I moved away. Writing to you, I realise that distance helped me, but I’ll never forget how it feels. It’s amazing how parents can overlook their lovely children, who they brought to this earth themselves. I can only tell myself never to become caught up by my own problems that I forget about those I love.