I’ve been reading posts on this site for awhile but never posted anything myself. I guess I just needed to vent tonight to people who understand. The only person I have in my life is my boyfriend but I’m so tired of burdening him with my problems…he is so understanding and so supportive but I don’t want to take advantage of that. As far back as I can remember I have waited to die. I remember as a very young child I would fantasize about getting cancer so I could get out of this world quickly. My dad died of liver cancer when I was 13 and it destroyed me and I remember being jealous that he got to go and I didn’t. I hate everything about my existence and I seriously can’t imagine why anyone would want to live 50+ years on this planet. I’ve always told myself I would never live past my 30th birthday. I don’t even think I can wait that long…the only reason I’m still here now is because I don’t want to leave my 15 year old dog (she is my LIFE and she needs me now more than ever..I want to be there for her passing and be by her side) After she dies, I’ll be free to go…I feel bad leaving my boyfriend but he already knows and he is okay with it…I know he will be devastated but he sees the physical/emotional torment I go through and he doesn’t want to see me suffer and just wants to enjoy every moment he can while I’m on this earth. My mom committed suicide exactly a year ago using the helium hood method, I will most definitely be using this method..in the same chair I found her in last year, she was my everything and I cant wait to be reunited with her and my dad. If that doesn’t work I’m considering ******** or hanging..and If I’m THAT unlucky I will jump on the crooked river bridge here in Oregon. I have already attempted in the past using pills (ended up in a coma for three days after that) ..definitely will not do that again, I was incapacitated for weeks. Sometimes I wish there was just a button you could press to end your life and it was that easy…but I cant even imagine how many people would be pushing that everyday lol. I just wish there was a sure fire way. Never in my life have I had a day where I would rather be living than dying and I believe in SO much more after this life so I am at peace…just have to wait for the time to be right.
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jump off*
I’ve also been planning for the helium hoody. I’m just hopeing it will work alright with out a regulator. I’ve also been reading up on a heroin overdose, they say it like 99% garanteed if you take enough… The only problem is that i can get a hold of any. They also say it’s a very peacful way to go, considering it’s made from the same stuff as pain medication.
Pistol. Large caliber hollow point. Point at temple. Pull trigger. Insta-death. Closest thing to pushing a button. Won’t leave a pretty corpse but who the hell cares? The helium hood method and all similiar terrify me. To much preperation, to much….equipment. To many variables. I don’t understand the appeal of that method.
I am going to watch the sun set over the Pacific. And then when night comes, it will be eternal. Pull the trigger….and it’s over. Will be like I never existed.
Having lost your parents and one to suicide it is only inevitable that you feel so much pain.
In a way, suicide can be contagious.
If friends or family do it, then we learn as well.
I hope that you find a way to survive, to heal, to hope, and to be happy.
Fifteen is pretty old for a dog.
I wonder what special, beautiful, thing keeps a dog so attached to this world?
Maybe it’s you?
Gun. When I go, I go with a bang, so they say. It’ll be messy and I probably won’t have a head after I’m through with what I’m planning but I’m going to be cremated, or well, I’ll be too dead to care.
I myself am too afraid to do anything until I’m sure I’d stay dead you know? It’s kind of naive of me, but I prayed everyday to God to give me cancer or a disease or kill me in an accident because several close friends gave me this story about how they prayed to god everyday to get their wish. And developed habits to increase my chances so to speak-no seatbelts, stay at the edge, be more reckless, stuff like that.
Anyway, I’m glad you’ve found this place to vent. We may have different experiences, but pain is something we understand. I hope you find something here at least, if not a reason to keep going.