I’m pretty much as broken and useless as it’s possible to be. I can’t do anything right – not exaggerating, it’s the truth. I’m barely human and don’t really do the things that normal humans do or feel the way normal humans feel. When I’m hurt or frustrated I get angry – but real people don’t feel anger, don’t express those things. Real people are happy most of the time, not unhappy or angry most of the time. I’m just wrong. Broken. Unfit for human consumption. God I wish my mother had aborted me. What is the point of me? There is none. The worst part is I have 2 young daughters. I want them to have a great mama. I’m just not it. I’m going to try to make the most of my time with them until their father kicks me out of the house and then will kill myself as the doctor should have done when I was in utero. Why bring an unwanted child into the world? I’m the best example for freedom of choice there is. I can’t think of one thing that has been made better by my existence, and lots of misery that my existence has caused. The unwanted child knows they are unwanted. They know that their existence destroys the lives of others. Just let them die/never be. It’s best for everyone. I won’t do it where my daughters could be the ones to find me. Maybe I’ll just disappear and they will think I’m out there like Little Orphan Annie thought her parents were still alive out there somewhere. I know the rest of my family won’t care – wouldn’t even come to my funeral I’m sure. I kind of like thinking about being cremated – barbecued all at once rather than going green and slimy for the worms. I’d hate for someone to lug my ashed somewhere though – what a pain in the ass for them. All my life I’ve been the unwanted pain in the ass, the third wheel, the weirdo and misfit. The bastard daughter of the unwed teenage mother. Father rejected me, his family rejected me. My grandparents wanted my mom to abort me but for some idiotic reason she didn’t. Maybe she enjoyed parts of my childhood, I can feel a little proud of that. I know I was a pain in the ass though. Not fit for human consumption. Not one of the real people. Is there any point to me? My daughters would do better without my bad influence and dysfunctional. If only I could be funny and cheerful about things. Then I think I could be OK. But I’ve never been funny and cheerful. Bad enough being the weird, high-needs bastard of a teenage mom – at least I could be funny and happy and pleasant but I have a grim and angry disposition. Which means, not fit to be around real people. I try to do nice things, try to create a home for my family, nice holidays they will remember, but it’s not enough to make up for my essential defectiveness. I am just fundamentally broken. I hope y daughters don’t follow in my footsteps. They have a very sweet dad so that helps. Their sweet dad can’t stand the sight of me though so I’m on my way out of the picture. And without the picture, there’s nothing left that I care to go forward with. I did have some nice times in my 20s – that’s good enough. I’m worried about my girls though. It’s a hard world and a girl should have her mama by her side. I’m just so bad at being a person that they will probably reject me too, like my father and his family, like my mother and her family, like everyone I’ve ever known. Can you be a person if nobody cares if you live or die? That’s my fundamental dilemma.
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Your daughters care.
And I really doubt they will reject their mother.
My biological mother was unable to raise me.
But I never rejected her because I know and understand she had issues like most of us do.
And if their father is the good guy you say, I am sure he cares too. He just does not know how to help you heal.
i know how hard it when your always feeling unwanted. and i also know it makes you selfish. i am not saying your are selfish at all, you are acting selfish because your already decided for other people that they are going to reject you. so what you do is reject them for they reject you. you gotta be stronger then this for your daughter. if their was ever any reason to fight the feeling of being unwanted ifs for your daughters. and nog being a worhty human is just all in your head, their are people who have killed their own children and still think they are deserve to live and that god cares about them. from my personal experience: i have always been an unwanted person too, and i am really angry about this and i also feel sorry for myself. i also start to hate other and myself. but sometimes there is a little voice in my head that tells me its me telling myself i am unwanted. so i try to fight it every day, i seriously need to fight the urge to tell everybody to get out of my life because i feel like i am unwanted. which is stupid ofcourse. for me its just a huge fear of being unwanted. and it never goes away, even if i have been friends with someone for years i still believe they are not going to want me anymore. you gotta stop being ”selfish” about this at least for your daughters. don’t get me wrong i totally don’t mean your a selfish person. you should just think about your daughter like they do want you and you are abandoning them because you think you are not worthy. ofcourse you gotta work at yourself, and that ussually is really hard or nearly impossible. but the truth is, even is a child has a drunk as a father or whatever, she/he will never rahter want their parent to be death. but on the other hand , i know how hard life is and how terrible it can be. i am certainly not going to tell you not to kill yourself just because their are people who will be sad if you do it. but you must not do it because you think that they don’t want you, if your totally not sure about if that’s really true.