My entire life seems cursed with pain, unfairness and shortcomings. My dad died when I was 14 and my grandparents were dead before I was born. My mom has tried hard to raise me right but she had to work 2 jobs my entire childhood and spent most of her free time with her boyfriend away from our home. In a nutshell I had to teach myself everything without much of a role model. During high school I turned to drinking beer and during my senior year I averaged an 18 pack of beer per night. My grades failed miserably and I never really had any close friends.
I joined the Navy after 9/11 hoping to find some direction in my life and was consistently bullied by my superiors because no matter how hard I tried I always seemed to fail at the most basic tasks. I met a girl who lived 2 states away and thought I was in love. She was the only person who ever gave me any attention and I made the mistake of marrying her even though I only knew her for about 3 months. We had 2 children together and although I was never a very good husband I always stood by my vows even though she cheated on me several times. I finally decided to divorce her because I had lost 50 lbs and couldn’t take the hurt anymore. During our divorce she claimed I beat her up (not true at all) and had inappropriate contact with one of our kids (also not true at all). She tried to enter a default judgment against me and she moved over 1000 miles away with my kids while I was barred from seeing them despite zero evidence of any abuse ever happening. I spent every penny I had defending myself from going to prison for a minimum of ten years (again, zero evidence, just her word) and had nothing left to fight for my kids. By some stroke of luck the district attorney saw right through the accusations and dropped all charges but by that time the damage had been done. Now I barely see my kids and they live outside Detroit where I have tried so much to get a job to be close to them. My son is only 7 and he has the biggest heart and he is so innocent and loves me so much and his pain when she takes him away from our short and very expensive visits cause him so much hurt and he cries uncontrollably and there is so little I can do to help him.
Because of the accusations I spent 3 years unemployed and missed my window of opportunity after the Navy. I live in my moms basement and although I have a job now, I have run my self so into debt my future is almost hopeless. I now relive my high school nightmare as a 30 year old man. My mom works her 2 jobs and there is nobody to identify with or talk to. I am the absolute definition of a loser. I am lucky to be a handsome guy and fit because of my military experience so I have managed to form some relationships with girls but they end in disaster because I am so sad that I can’t hide it and I have no friends at all which immediately raises red flags and I always get dumped. That was about 2 years ago. I have now lost almost all of my hair and I can’t even remember how to talk to people anymore. Another problem I have always had is a speech impediment with my S’s. They are very sloppy and people always say “what?” when I try to make conversation with them so I have found making friends and just trying to communicate is also hopeless.
I have been to several counselors and psychiatrists and have given a very honest and open minded effort to try and get better but my personality must be terrible because even they seem to cold-shoulder me and give the same regurgitated therapy over and over to no avail. I have taken pills and also been off of pills and neither makes any difference. I have been suicidal for many years and always thought I was just being a silly teen and I would grow out of it but I haven’t and I am scared. Suicide is constantly on my mind but I am so scared of setting that precedent for my son because I see the same travesty’s laid out for him in his life. I’m scared to move out because I know that I will for sure take my life if I am living completely alone and there is nobody there to stop me.
As for who I am, as a young boy and into adulthood I always looked to God and stayed religious. I prayed and prayed and there was no answer for me. My heart is truly golden and when I see someone less fortunate my heart is in pain. I feel so bad for anyone in pain and I have always been a very kind person to anyone I meet because I know how bad it feels to be hated by everyone. I am the type of person who would run into a burning building just to save a puppy. I can honestly say that. Because of that I have been taken advantage of my entire life. Why society feels the need to hurt others and make fun of others for something they can’t help is something I have battled with everyday and I don’t think I could ever understand.
I am sorry for the pity party, I just wanted to get this out because the end for me is very near and maybe someday by chance someone who is a bully to others or someone close to me will just happen to find this post and in some way maybe it will change someones heart for the better. To anyone on here that is also suicidal, although my time is almost over, just know you truly aren’t alone in spirit. I am so sorry that you are in so much pain that you want to die. I would give you everything I had if I could do so and just know that even though you feel completely empty, there is at least one person (me) in this world who truly understands what you are going through and I understand the unbearable pain of feeling alone. Although I no longer believe in God or a Heaven, under the slight chance it really does exist, if I can I will always try and watch over you and will cry with you even when you feel alone. For those reading this, thank you for being an ear and I’m sorry for my pity party but I hope you understand I need to get this out there.
6 comments
I hope you find peace wth any and all decisions you make.
Thank you
Hi. I am also in the Navy. I am still active but my time is running out because I am getting denied reenlistment because of budget cuts. I am a virgin and I have only had online relationships and met both women when it was too late. I am also running out of time. I get out and there will be no jobs and no oppurtunity thanks to how our country got let down. I also have very little time left. I plan on taking terminal leave and spending that time saying goodbye to tthe world and grabbing every last morsel of happiness that i can squeeze out of it before I take it into the Alterverse or the universe of free souls . I know I will meet others like you there and we will exist united. I know this sounds crazy but we are all gods but gods get punished because this world is full of demons which happens to be about everyone.
I am sorry about your wife . My dad was also Navy and my mom took everything from him during devorce but still to this day has barley anything to show for it and I hope she ends up on the streets for what she did because she is a lying ****. Your ex is evil to the puriest level and someday it should come back to her. Marriage is a horrid thing.Please take care and I would like you to spend every last ounce of your life to the fullest . I know this sounds super crazy but just email me my email is ftw0990@gmail.com. If that doesn’t work for whatever reason just comment back here or look for one of my entries and leave me a reply comment. I noticed you only have one entry but I have a few. I will epress my veiw on the afterlife with you if needed I haven’t had much people that I can be close with but I am hoping this site will change that.
Hey.. So sorry to hear about your painful struggles in life! Very unfair!!  I have also had a cursed life for 23yrs. I have also always tried to help others and been taken advantage of. It is always the GOOD, Kind and caring people who suffer in life! Despite endless painful battles.. I always tried to remain a believer in god throughout my life and trusted that my prayer would be heard one day to ease the pain..but after all these years of endless suffering..now I’ve lost faith that there is a god at all and if there is, too many desperate prayers are unanswered! I have very similar views to you with what you said. I wish I could help everyone on this site!! It’s so awful to see so many people suffering in this cruel world! It really upsets me to see the good people suffer! Hope you find some comfort! You are obviously a kind hearted person and its a shame that the world was unable to appreciate you.. But you will be appreciated on this site! Best wishes to you!Â
FTW – I don’t ever check or use my email so it would be pretty much pointless to go there since it is a spam haven. What is your rate and rank if you don’t mind me asking? Also whereabouts on planet Earth are you stationed? I was an AT down in Fort Worth, TX. I have to say it was cake duty so I was lucky. As for jobs, don’t get down man, I got out literally just after the housing market collapsed and everyone was getting laid off and because I was Navy my phone was ringing off the hook with some great employers. Unfortunately, all of that bad stuff happened right at the very same time and that is when I missed my window of opportunity. Fresh veterans are highly sought after but stale ones, not so much. Monster is a great place to start, also Orion International will land you a job in a heartbeat. I hope I’m not being too optimistic for you because I understand circumstances change everything and your rate might not be one that is in demand. But keep in mind, the idea that employers like military because of their promptness and attention to detail is no myth so just being a vet will gain you some possibilities.
Also, if it’s feasible and you have no kids, using the post 9/11 fund is a huge benefit. Again, stupid for me, I had my head buried in the sand and I tried to go through college but I had such terrible anxiety and depression that I couldn’t concentrate and failed every class I had. Now I owe the VA about 10k and it only adds to my depression. Orion and other military jobs sites will format a resume for you for free. They work magic by making a swabbie Seaman sound like the chairman of the board of supervisors or something. If you get out soon you have to do this now
If I could be back in I would join in the blink of an eye. You might hate the way you get treated sometimes but making 16 an hour and getting just as disrespected is no better than where you are now. And that 16 an hour also has to cover insurance which may not seem like something you need but wait until that first trip to the ER when you get a 2000 bill and cant pay it and you watch all your other bills pile up that you cant pay because you had to call in sick or face the embarrassment of shitting your pants at work so you lose an entire day of pay. Then your credit goes to shit and your life is slowly destroyed to the point you feel like you can’t breathe. Trust me man, this world is surreal after having everything handed to me. If you have no option, like failed Perform to Serve or whatever then you obviously have no choice but if you can go blue to green Army or even National Guard it would be wise. But I understand the Navy is cutting back and you are a victim. In that case, if I were you, get that resume nailed down and get it out there to everyone you can. Most companies will pay for you to fly wherever they interview and will request you to do it when you go on terminal leave. TRUST ME, this is not something you want to pass on, because that was my window of opportunity and it literally helped destroy my life. They will never offer again. After about 90 days after terminal leave the offers will end suddenly and you’ll be left to fend on your own. And speaking of companies paying your way to the interview, those offers stop and they will most likely have interviews scheduled 100 miles from where you live and you’ll be responsible for paying every dime and in most cases they’ll want multiple interviews. But the sickest part, they won’t even send you a letter of denial or answer your calls, they’ll just leave you completely in the dark after they decide you aren’t who they want after you spend 100’s of dollars for absolutely nothing. Also, get on unemployment right away even if you don’t think you’ll need it. It can take weeks for them to process your claim and once that final Navy deposit comes, you’re on your own with no income at all. I’m telling you this because I’ve been there and TAPS class (if they still have it) doesn’t put any of that into real perspective so it doesn’t really sink in.
And yes, my ex-wife used me and took complete advantage of me and it hurts. Ironically, despite my post the other day, I had an epiphany that has changed my way of thinking. Someone I know went through the same thing and showed me by example over the last few days since he opened up about his story, that harboring anger will never help me, my family or anyone else. People tend to forget what it was that got you to where you are today, they only see you, the end result. How you come out and respond in the face of adversity truly shows how strong you really are. I was obviously weak and I need to realize that parents in Africa watch their beloved children get their heads smashed in by boots and young children get raped right here in our country and that people get diseases that leave them disfigured or completely paralyzed from the neck down for the rest of their life and so on and so on, so really, my life has had rough moments but it really can’t compare much to that.
As for being a virgin, I think that is pretty cool actually. I know you don’t think so but that really earns a lot of respect in many ways. Porn movies are so fake and stupid it isn’t even funny. That type of sex does happen but it is usually with the promiscuous girls who are dying for attention and act the way they think men want them to act in bed. Not always the case but it is a good portion of the time. If you are worried about performance there are literally hundreds of sex guides on the internet to teach you how to act and what to do. I’ve always had my best luck with being gentle as opposed to pulling hair and slapping asses. Then again maybe that’s why I’m single. If it is because of your looks, that can’t be changed, but personality can. Take up guitar and write your own music if you can. Nothing gets a girl worked up like a musician whether he sucks or not. If that isn’t your niche go for auto racing, photography, cooking classes, glassblowing, anything that shows you aren’t afraid to be who you really want to be. Women find that sexy, but the key is to be open and outgoing and friendly. No matter how weird you think you might be, being nice and honest and kind (and I DON’T mean giving away all of your stuff) and just generally a pleasant person to be around is a good way to get laid. I know “hot” guys who have the personality of a rock and never get any and I know some not so good looking guys who have women flocking to them all due to their personality. I have a friend who does nothing but sits at the same bar like 3 nights a week. Not exactly the best idea for your liver or driving record but he didn’t know a soul and now has people calling him from that bar all the time. He is nice to everyone and pretends (or maybe he’s being real) to be genuinely interested in other people and always remembers something about them so he can spark a conversation when he sees them again. It’s almost impossible to ignore a guy that sits at the bar every night and begins to pick up names and facts about the other regulars and is kind and willing to converse. Eventually they will know your name too and you will just naturally become a part of their clique. It doesn’t work at exceptionally busy or dead bars but those ones that are right in the middle with a lot of the same crowd every night are perfect. And the bartenders are always a good start since they pretty much have to talk to you if you are tipping them. I promise you it works. And in the end, once you start making friends, one thing will lead to another and you’ll end up getting yourself laid eventually. In fact, I think it’s time to take my own advice.
Hey Jayda, thank you for knowing how to appreciate good people. Tears stream down my face a lot when I see people less fortunate who get bullied or just can’t seem to get by in life no matter how hard they try. Personally, I am Agnostic which means I really haven’t decided if there is a God, a Heaven or a Hell. I totally agree how hard it is to believe something is out there when so many prayers go unanswered. I will say this, and it might be really naive of me, but I often wonder sometimes if those prayers go unanswered as a test of faith to see just how good of a person you really are. If you break down and start blaming God or just completely deny there is a God whatsoever, then you probably fail that test in the end. And maybe some are tested harder than others? The idea of a big guy in the sky and angels and all these biblical stories is almost laughable but there really are some things that are hard to deny. Our bodies are DEFINITELY engineered. Our blood is like oil, our heart is like a motor, our lungs take in oxygen to keep the other parts moving and our brain is the “computer” that controls it all. Look at a snake and the crazy patterns on their skin. You could argue that we were designed by alien beings but there is very little solid evidence of that. But when it comes to God, the undying belief, assumed miracles and the fact there is a book called the Bible that seemingly covers literally every topic known to man is hard to deny since it was written thousands of years ago. And the bible and Koran and other religious texts are all very similar with a only a few glaring differences. I guess the point I’m trying to make is there has to be some sort of way we were designed by intelligence and if it is alien then there is very little hard evidence of that but even if God is some figment of someones imagination long ago, at least there is evidence there that it COULD be possible. So between the two its much easier to believe there is a God until we make contact with an alien being. And if Hell is as horrible as described, then nobody would ever want to spend an eternity there I would assume. And considering that could be a possibility, and don’t let anyone tell you differently because NOBODY knows for fact it doesn’t exist, then what have you really got to lose by believing in God? If anything, even if its silly to you, at least you can buy into it a little for some therapeutic purposes, especially if you feel lonely. As much as the scientific guy that I am, I believe in evolution and I even believe life is almost undoubtedly out there, I still haven’t seen proof that there is not a God and I’ve yet to see proof that aliens exist. But like I said, what have you really got to lose other than the fun sins the religious texts always preach against. It seems like quite a gamble to take when an eternity in Hell could somehow be a possibility. Hmmm, I do need to take my own advice 🙂