I’m not even afraid of dying. I think I’ve proven that much. No, I’m afraid of failing again. I can’t look everyone in the eyes while laying in a hospital bed again. Call me heartless, but idc what happens after I die. It’s the failing I can’t do again. It seems so easy to die. Every day theres stories on the news about someone who died quick and unexpectedly. Yet when I try, its slow and ineffective. It’s not fair. I’m no stranger to death. But he refuses to take me. I wish he’d take me. But all he does is sabatoge me. No firing pin. Weak rope. Thrown up pills. Bad ammo. Revival. It’s not fair. So come at me universe. I’m fukin immortal apparently. If you can manage to kill me, props to you.
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Totally relate to this! I used to take a shit load of shit all at the same time, I would take, a shit ton of alcohol, 36 triple c’s, ritalin, ecstasy, weed, and spice. all the same time. I would go on 2 week long benders without eating or sleeping. If anyone friends, or mom would try to intervene i would shout high as hell probably sounded like an idiot but anyways i would say “I’m like a fucking coachroach I CAN’T DIE! I honestly believed that and I still do! while I was high on haluciangens i came to this conclusion that no matter how many drugs, how much alcohol or how ever many overdoses and suicide attempts I try they will never work and I am litterally incapable of dying like that. I know thats not true but thats what i believe. i’m clean now but when im on drugs theres no stopping me i go til the wheels fall off or in the last case go to jail twice in one week, have a complete mental breakdown thinking im the virgin mary and eminem reincarnated and i’m pregnant with a retarded baby with no father. just absolutely nutty insane shit. thats my life. thats the way i live it. i live everyday like i have a million more days to live and why the fuck should i ever attempt to do shit especially when i have litterally no fucking energy to do anything but chat online, talk on the phone and smoke cigs. i’m not living life to the fullest. but im living it my way and i guess thats okay. my depression rules me i dont rule it. the demons inside me have me under there grip so tight i cant escape if i wanted to. they want me to die so they can have my soul. but evertime i come close to death i mean they have actually came close to calling a time of death for me. and then suddenly on the third shock my heart starts beating again. i pray everynight and get no response but when i try to end my life something im guessing god if there is one brings me back to life. but for what? nothing ever changes. this is the type of stuff that makes me question my christianity. but out of fear i wont. i will keep my faith as it is all i have left and it aint much to begin with. i have an ounce of faith. just a drop in an ocean and i dont know how long i can last on that tiny ammount of fuel for a trip as long as the next 50 years… sorry i took this comment and turned it in to a full blown rant about me. sorry its 4 am and i really need sleep. if you ever wanna talk let me know my e mail is britndut at aol
I can relate, what I realized was it was me who was in the way. I wasn’t ready yet. You take yourself out. The Universe supports and assists, but the firm decision must come from you. Your head, heart, and gut have to be in total agreement without reservation that this is what you want. To the degree that you allow it to happen, it will. The more you focus on it’s occurrence, the more likely it will happen. The more you get pissed about it not having happened, the more you keep that scenario going on too.
It’s kind of a subtle thing but when you are 100% committed, you will. You are eternal, ask nicely with gratitude. I could say the same to myself. There’s success in your attempts, you can only get life right, cause you’ve learned. The people that died were a vibrational match to that experience…the experience of death is much better and unfolds in a different way than to how we think about it. Cheers!