i.miss.you

Amy, its been 3 years since your passing and I want to leave you a message but never knew where without being ridiculed and questioned whether or not I’m not ok. I was thinking of the day we me so young and carefree I was hopeless and depressed when you met me. That changed so quickly I suddenly had purpose for everything I had a reason to like myself and to like the world around me. I still have your glasses from freshman year safely perched next to the last picture of us, the last time I didn’t fake my smile, the last time nothing bad in my life mattered, the last I was able to love without reserve. We seperated for 4 years when you moved away and I was so stupid to break up with you thinking you cheated when in reality you just couldn’t tell me about the rape. I still haven’t forgiven myself for being so stupid. But then one lonely night I decided to IM you and it was like we were never apart. I had to see you again and I left 2 hours later with just enough gas to get to where you were now only an hour away instead of 19. The day is more vivid than yesterday. I arrived at your door hands clamy short of breath I didn’t know what to say you shouted me to come in and with no one I. Sight I stood halfway in the doorway to look up and see your smile at the top of the stairs. I cant even begin to tell you what that felt like. we walked Atlantic city’s boardwalk and you showed me all around I wanted to hold your hand right away saying butbut I was unsure and I didn’t. Ive never been so happy and I haven’t since I’m afraid I never will again. We spent the whole day together walking around catching up. You brought me to the edge of the island overlooking the water and there we stood. It was cold so I offered my sweatshirt you declined saying then id be cold so why don’t we both stay warm and you embraced me under my sweatshirt. I wanted to cry.it was the beginning all over again. Yet it was so short lived. A month of being on cloud 9 went by and I truly didn’t think life could get better. Suddenly you stopped answering stopped calling visiting. What happened? I found out later through you friends that I wasn’t there for you enough I was too preoocupied with 2 jobs everyday, a mistake I will never forget or forgive. 2 weeks went by and then I got the phone call your friend in tears barely coherent you visited my nemesis so to speak just a town away and on your way home it happened I wish I was with you I’m sure you swerved away from a bunny or deer risking your own life to save another cause that’s who you were. At first I questioned why you visited him and again I turned to your friends. They said you were hurting and did like him but they said it was nothing to how you felt about me they said they had never seen you more happy than when we were together. I haven’t been the same since and I don’t think I ever will find another quite like you. This is the first time ive recited our story it hurts to remember those feelings. I hope I get to see you soon wish me luck with the living and please visit me somehow it could be the push I need to smile again. I miss you.