I read all of your stories here, and I feel sad, angry at the world, frustrated and at times soothed. I think of my own story and feel nothing.
I don’t have a story, just the pain that comes with it. I grew up in a normal family, had normal friends, got normal grades and, for the most part, was normal. But as far back as I can remember I’ve wanted to die. The thought consumes me.
My first close call happened when I was 15 and in the school play. I screwed up horribly, and after the show I went to an old bridge and sat on the rail for hours trying to work up the courage to jump. Actually I was a coward, just hoping someone would see me and help. But nobody noticed.
Later that year my best friend killed himself on exhaust fumes.
My next close call was a few years later. This time no reason at all. I got on the roof of a 12 story building and started walking on the ledge. It was raining. Below, a little girl noticed and pointed at me. Her mom looked up, thought for a minute, then quickly put her daughter in the car and drive off. I felt like an idiot so I came down. This is the first time I’ve ever told anyone about it.
5 more years went by without incident, although I constantly thought about suicide. I got involved with rescuing animals and that have me a sense of purpose, like I was doing something important with my otherwise meaningless, painfully normal life. But as always, whenever you find something meaningful in life, society tears you down. Tells you you’re wasting your time. That plus seeing so much death every day was what made me lose my mind.
Now I have virtually no contact with the human race except the few posts I’ve made here, and twice a month when I buy groceries. I keep moving to new places so nobody has a chance to know me. If I happen to get into a relationship with someone (twice in the last 10 years), it always ends when I tell them I plan to kill myself one day soon. Can’t blame them for running.
My entire life feels like an onion that’s been slowly peeled away revealing nothing inside. My story is as uneventful as it gets, and if you’ve read this far you must be pretty bored.
Something horrible happened 18 months ago, but I’m going to take that story to my grave. Maybe because, agonizing as it is, it’s the only thing that makes me feel anything anymore.
On Friday I’m going to new york city. That seems like a good place to die an obscure death and be forgotten.
3 comments
I feel a lot of empathy for you. I have been obsessed with death since I was a child. I don’t know why this obsession developed. I also attempted suicide a few times when I was a teenager. I am in my thirties now and I still think about death, suicide in particular, all the time.
I was also involved in animal rescue, but stopped my involvement years ago because it was too depressing and made me hate humanity more than I already do. Before I became involved in animal rescue, I was already somewhat misanthropic. After seeing how people abuse and neglect their pets, I became more misanthropic.
I think your story is very interesting and you wrote about so eloquently.
Knowing that there are others out there who understand you may mitigate some of your emotional pain. I like, you, have little contact with people. I cut out almost everyone from my life. I felt like none of them understand me or are even willing to try to understand me. I feel so alone. But, I think I feel less alone when I visit websites, such as this one.
When I was a kid, teen, and young adult, I had friends, but I always felt alone in their presence. I think that having a friend who understood my pain and suffering could have made me feel less alone.
I recommend a film called Boy, Interrupted, which you can buy on amazon.com. It is a documentary about a boy who committed suicide at age 15. He was also in love with death. The film may give you some insight about your preoccupation with death. The film may also get you to reconsider your decision to kill yourself.
How I wish I could end my life long obsession with death. I think that death is the best analgesic for my pain. But this may not be the case.
The fact that you posted a message here may be indicative of a desire for help. Think about that. Maybe you still have some hope left. Maybe you want someone to prevent your suicide.
http://www.torrentreactor.net/torrents/5239518/Euthanasia-suicide-methods-books
Hey Suicideboy,
I just finished reading your post; your outlook on life and society reminds me a lot of how I felt and still feel in many ways. I viewed the world as such a nasty place: the way society treats each other, the greed, the violence, the lack of understanding for people who are “different.”I became so incredibly cynical that I tried to diminish any contact I had with people in general- I did a pretty good job considering most people didn’t mind not hanging out with someone as negative as me. I too have a great love for animals- they are in many ways more empathetic and socially accepting than us humans. (I wanted to move to Illinois to live In a cabin and work with helping injured wolves)- a plan I didn’t carry out. In the last 10 years I too have only had 2 relationships- and have had to explain to others that I am really not gay, although I don’t have anything against people who are. I am incredibly charismatic for about 10% of the time, and completely socially retarded for the rest. I too grew up very normal, but have an overwhelming feeling of just leaving this world behind.
I’m telling you all of this in hopes that you realize that A. There are other people just like you out there feeling your pain and B. it can get better but only if you allow it to and this can mean by finding a passion (like your love for animals) or by therapy, or sometimes just by not killing yourself. I do know that if a person feels shitty inside and subconsciously looks for the bad in life, the world can seem much uglier than it is– from personal experience. 18 months ago it sounds like you were dealt a pretty shit hand- I’m really sorry that whatever happened. Please don’t end your life. Please. People like you and me will always have a more pessimistic view on life and people than others, but life can be more thn just the haunting urge to end your life. As corny as it may sound, there is good in people but only if you allow yourself to see it, and are here to see it.
I know just a few things about you from your post– you’ve been wronged by people in either an event, or through a series of events in life- big or small. You are lonely and numb without the intervention of remembering your painful past. You are at a lost in life. But I also know that you are incredibly well-spoken (can’t imagine how you would be if you actually had some human interaction) and intelligent. You are extremely self-aware– which by the way is something that cannot be taught. You are kind to the few who are kind to you (whether humans or animals). You have a lot to offer man, and I wish that you stick around, because someone in life will not only accept but love you for who you are. Fuck the whole ‘life is too short’ thing that people say, life is long for people like us- too long, but from what I’ve learned of you, it can get better. I am not someone that usually reaches out or feels that i can even contribute, but I feel like I know you. I beg that you take it 1 minute at a time, and never give up in life.
Tomorrow may be better, the same, or worse, but I triple dare you to find out.
Mike