I can’t do it anymore. I’m just fucking tired. I’m tired of having to wake up everymorning and pretend that everything is okay. People say that in not alone, then why do I feel like I am alone? I just hate everything. People judge me and they don’t even know a thing about me or half the things I’ve been through. I just want to get away from everything…just away from the world. Months past and I still feel the same way. They say everything will get better soon, years has past and it’s gotten worse. The pain has gotten worse. I try putting a smile on my face trying to make everything okay, but deep inside, I feel like breaking down crying. No one understands how I feel. I feel so trapped. My cuts? Haven’t healed. I promise myself I wouldn’t cut anymore. But I guess I’ve broke my promise. Almost every week the cuts get worse. I’ve been betrayed and led down so many times. The people who I thought were my “friends” were backstabbers. I can’t trust anyone. Everyone has left me. No one is there to save me. If I die today, I bet it wouldn’t change the world. I have these thoughts jumbled up inside my head that I can’t even explain. I just want to dissapear. If I dissapeared I bet no one would notice I did. I stay up late at nights crying with a blade pressing against my wrist. My screams are silent. Then I wake up the next morning pretending nothing happened. I’m really tired of trying. No one has ever been there for me. Through my darkest hours, I was alone. I only had my pillow and my sissors. Call me a suicidal freak, i don’t care. I’ve been judged worse than that. People just don’t understand how many things can affect me. I have feelings also. I’m not a ghost.
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4 comments
I feel exactly the way you do. But to add to it , I have a boyfriend who I am so attatched to. To make matters worse, he doesn’t give the least bit of shit about me. He will hurt my feelings every day. He doesn’t care. You’ve got it bad sweetie. Just understand, things may not get better. But you CAN change.
I know what that’s like.. It’s like your screaming at them for help but no one listens. They don’t see the pain behind the eyes, they don’t understand the pain hidden inside. If they see it it’s like it’s nothing, they think you’re fucked up and they are scared to be around you almost… No one but the people dying inside too.. Everyone else just fucks off.. Making you feel more alone and vulnerable.. But we are here, I’m here.
i agree with both of you, 2 of my best friends exposed my deepest secrets on facebook and now i have a rep of being easy, or a emo kid. i always feel pushed to the side by everyone. when someone calls me crying ill be there for them and comfort them, but the second i need a friend noone answers me because im the depressed friend that noone wants to deal with. shit fucking sucks. everyone gets so mad at me when i cut and its like i tried to call to talk to you, but im not important to you. i have scars on scars on scars. i always promised friends id quit, but they push me to it. or ill promise myself, but ill feel so shitty about myslef that i feel the need to do horrible things to my body. its my body, if i dont like it i should be able to do what i want with it.
First thing first. Don’t kill yourself, you’re bored because you’re intelligent. It may be you were a seeker of answers in your past life and you are just so frustrated you cant find the higher meaning again, I feel much the same way you feel. Everything stuck on repeat, my brother is annoying, I have annoying siblings and an annoying mom, my dad was intelligent and kind and also a spiritual seeker but he passed away a while ago. The universe if too complex for random events, it is a vast space beyond imagination and when you can finally see it, it would be when you have passed into another plane of existence. Before you ask – I don’t know what I’m talking about, this is just my personal belief and I generally find this ‘path’ the one that leads to most happiness, but don’t kill yourself, you’re not alone, wait for the universe to deliver your surprise. There is a higher meaning to everything.
– Hatter