Been thinking.
Too much.
How do you change your thought process? I’m not talking about just negativity, here. The way you think. I’ve been so analytical in my thought process that the only way to change is to constantly brainwash myself towards another way of thinking, and that’s what I need to escape from. I want to live in a more direct “Living by the moment for the moment”, not “Living in my brain about the moment in the moment”. I can’t just “live”. I don’t need a happily ever after either. Just normal conversations with a person. My father. My friend. Anyone. (Yeah, I’m a loner. I hardly ever speak in public.) And yeah, sure, everyone thinks analytically about things. Of course. It’s human nature.
But me?
It’s all fucking day. It’s a every minute of every fucking day. Usually if I’m lucky, I’ll be at peace for a couple hours. But that’s when I’m alone and drawn into some sort of entertainment. I also feel at peace when I’m on some sort of hard drug. I can draw from my positive side when on drugs. Think about things that I can achieve in life, and what I want. But… I’m not an addict. And nor will I allow myself to live as an addict. Drugs are a possible temporary escape but it’s only temporary. There will be long-term effects, as well as immediate effects from using drugs. Suicide? Gosh that sounds so droll. Has a ‘crazy-person, mental patient, quitter’ feel to it. I don’t like it. But, I would rather it be all or nothing. I don’t want a decade long drug diet. Spare me that extra drama.
Thought about killing myself before, but gave myself time. It’s been two years and everything is the same. (Two years isn’t too long, but still)
Yup. Things could get better. Whether you hope for it everyday or you don’t, change (For better or for worse) will be unexpected.
I have been putting myself in social situations. Tried to have good times. But the more I hang around people and try to converse and have a good time, the more fake I feel when I do. I feel like an actor. An actor in some big, stupid first person movie starring ‘me’. And EVERYONE is watching. I don’t want to be an actor damn it. I don’t want to be here.
So I’m going to stick it out. I’m going to fulfill my financial obligations to the people I owe to, get some stuff ready, and bow my final farewell.
I think I’m going to travel around the country, to amazing places with a camcorder. Give my family some good things to remember me by. (Good thing I don’t have kids or an SO.) Yosemite National Park is an absolute must.
My departure could be anytime though. Most likely years. So I got time.