Suicide Attempts

Hi, my name’s Mady. I’m 14, and I’ve tried

killing myself 4 times. I wouldn’t say I have the

roughest life, but I do go through a lot of stuff.

And, like everyone I have bumpy roads. Many of

them in facr. The first time I tried suicide was a

couple years after I started cutting. First time

I cut myself, I was around 10? And, first suicide

attempt I was maybe 11. The first time I tried

cutting myself ’til I died. I was sorta hoping I

would bleed to death. I don’t know what I was

thinking. Second time I  was maybe 13, and

tried drowning myself, in  my bathtub. It didn’t

work out bedcause my little sister walked in.

I was under the water for maybe 5 minutes or so.

Third time I tried this I was still 13. It was only a

couple weeks after I failed at the other try.

This time I tried hanging myself. I didn’t

have a rope so I tried it with a belt, it wasn’t my belt

so it was pretty big. Fit around my neck perfectly.

The belt buckle clipped off, as soon as I felt

the blood rushing to my head, I was getting

dizzy and sort of feeling proud, that it was

happening. I was going to die. It was all going to

be over. All the shit I was going through. But,

unfortunately for me, somehow the buckle

undid itself or something, that I just flopped to the

floor, and I was still alive. The last time, which was

quiet recently, only a couple months ago. I tried

overdosing. I tried this actually two days in a row.

So make it 5 times, I attempted suicide. The first

day I tried overdosing I was 14. This was not so long

ago, back in maybe April? Anyways, I drank maybe

20 small pills I found in my bathroom. I drank them all in about a minute with water, and waited for it to hit me.

But it never did, because I woke up the next morning.

Completely fine. Alive. So I decided to take pain

relievers instead, only because I had a big headache.

And, while I had the pain relievers bottle

in my hand, I was having an argument with my

now ex girlfriend, and took 12 pain relievers. I

had googled what would happen if you overdosed on

pain relievers and I found that I think they mess

up either your liver or kidney, not sure which it was.

But, it’s true. It does mess up something in your

stomach. Because once I took them, my stomach

wouldn’t stop hurting. I had terrible pains. I

honestly thought I was going to die, and that it worked.

I remember having heart ache and stomach pains

for about a week or more. I haven’t attempted

suicide since then, but boy have I thought about

it. I don’t know any other way out. I have a

therapist, but I can’t be as open as I’d like to be

with her. Since me breaking up

with my girlfriend I’ve been more depressed

than before, I think about her everyday. I don’t

really know how I’m supposed to end this,

but yeah. Those are the times that I tried killing

myself.