that emptiness

iv had a lot of thing happen to me in my life but the one thing that iv learned is that the people and things that are closest to you are the things that can hurt you
the most.
just recently i left my dad (im 16 by the way), my parents are divorced and every since iv felt like an empty shell, not because they are divorced but because they
are such different people.
all i want is to be normal, to get good exam results and go to a good college and get a good job, but i cant, i cant because i dont know who i am and growing up my
parents expected and thought different things of me, i adapted i chose to give them what they wanted and i because the person that the thought i was but now im lost,
lost in a confusion of who i am and what im supposed to do.
i study and do my work just as or even harder than most students but i just cant do well in exams, any test to be exact, maybe its because i feel homeless, a lot item
of sorts,like i have no place being here.
my mom and my dad moved to this country from South Africa after they found out my mom was pregnant, they move to get a better life for me, for us but it was doomed
from the beginning for my dad is an selfish asshole and my mom as nice as she may come across is an insecure, alcohol addicted emotional wreck, so as you could imagine
when it came to getting a divorce my dad was trying to dodge a bullet and the only option he came up with was to make me do it.
so he asked me if i wanted them to get a divorce and being at the young age of 6 i didn’t fully know what it meant, i thought it meant that we would just go away for
a day or two but never did i know fully the consequences of that action.
for a while i dint notice a difference they still lived together and ate together but they were different they would have 4 hour arguments about who was supposed to
buy my tooth brush and little insignificant things like that.
as my dad was more aggressive i took sides with my mom and she would cry for hours after and argument, saying stuff like how shes sorry and that she fucked everything
up for us and stuff like that, so i would sit down and just agree with her until she went to bed.
about this time things started to change, school felt real (for my age),all i really did was visit my dad one weekend every two weeks and i started to miss school and
i became antisocial the only time i really felt my self was when i was off school, alone at my house. you see i hated my dad, even then i knew it but there was
something stopping me, my mom she always looked out for my dad never putting him down and always saying that she didnt want to block contact with him for me, but she
secretly hated it, hated knowing that he could be saying bad things to me about her, it killed her, so she would call sometimes 50 times a day, it became the most
annoying thing on the planet for me and my dad. this was when i first saw my dads true nature, a cold blooded snake that could barely pass as human.
so i would sit there and listen for hours as my dad constantly dismissed my mom, it was the worst thing ever having to sit there and listen to you mom cry knowing that
there is nothing that you can do about it,
so i hated him,
i hated having to sitdown and ask my dad if i could go back to my moms house because i dont like it here,
i hated how he bought us a shit house just so he wouldn’t have to listen to her,
i hated how he would make me agree with him on topics about my mom,
i hated him dropping me off back at my moms house just so i could listen to them fight for 2 hours outside,
i hated how i could constantly be defending myself to him about things that iv done or do,
i hated how i would contently be defending my mom for things that he considers annoying,
but most of all i hate him.

so during this time things are a little hazy i dont remember much in days but more or less locations or activities. i remember long weekend nights sitting comforting my
mom over the recent argument, i remember faking sick just so i could be alone to think and not have anything to deal with anything or anyone, i remember being afraid of going to my dads house or being anywhere near him
, i remember constantly having to make up lies to my friends about where i have been, but most of all i remember the one night that i found out all the things my dad has done and all the things that he has hid from me,
like how he cheated on my mom, how she ran away from home after her mother was killed, how he treats her like shit for making him move here for me, and how he just gave us a shit house so that she wouldn’t do a property
settlement even though she has invested in our original house and all he pays is child support she never got anything out of the divorce even though she is unemployed and has a kid.
so yeah my dad is an asshole constantly making me do things that i dont want to do and exploiting my fears for a joke.

so my dad is fairly rich (not like he shares it around) so when he finds out that im not doing to well in some of my subjects he makes me a deal saying that i have a choice i can stay back and live with him one week and my mom the next or i can go to a private school
so because i hate him i say ill go to a private school but only to try and if i dont like it i can go back. a few days later my dad says hes enrolled me in the school but because its
so expensive he wants to “monitor my progress” and that means i have to live with him on a weekly basis. so now i am trapped in this school and my dad has tricked me into
doing two things that i don’t want to do and every time that i tell him that i want to leave him and the school he tells me that i cant and that hes given up too much for me
so i would lie there at night thinking if i ended it all now would anything change, i have a knife that i used to use lying on my table that i used to put to my neck and wonder if i had the courage to end it all, if anything would change, if anyone would care. eventually mustered up the courage and tried to get out of the school but fist they have a special psychiatrist that i have to see to get out, so after all that is done
i get out and i haven’t seen my dad since but my mom has started to drink again and she has turned her attention and problems from my dad to me, this has been extremely stressing for me as i am in year 11 of school one away from leaving and my exams are really important.
most of the time she wont leave me alone, telling me everything that she is going to do in her day and then she just ends up coming and standing outside my door telling me about her problems and stuff, but (im not trying to sound like a dick or anything) i have my own problems
and iv had problems but iv dealt with them, maybe not the best way but iv dealt with them, and she has done nothing about her problems.

it may sound insignificant and stupid now but if you were me you would know the emotional side to this all,
so now here i am i haven’t told you everything but i think you get the point, well i don’t know what else to do, i sit in bed thinking about things that i could do with my life but dying just feels right, i thought i wanted to be a video editor but now the life is sucked right
out of it, i feel like an empty shell waiting for my inevitable death the only question is when 90 or 20? who knows but this emptiness and loneness has to stop its like my time is flying by and all i can do is sit here and wonder if i things will ever change, if i will ever be energetic and happy, i used to think that all my problems would go away when i left my dad
but fate has a funny way of catching up with you.
time feels like a tomb, if you don’t move with it you will be surrounded by it.