I’m feeling so much right now that I am unable to express it. I’ve always been like this. Words cannot describe the feeling inside my soul. I still go on but I am also stuck.
I really see no reason to go on. I do but without reason and filled with nothing. Empty. I have trouble validating anything exists. If it exists then what is my reason for living? To work wearing women’s outfits though in my soul I am a male? To hide my true self …what’s left of it? I don’t want to be apart of a plan if there isn’t one. If I’m here only to live it’s a waste of life’s resources. But if I’m here for a reason say so clearly so I can move onwards as best I can.
What good is an employee if he/she has no task? Unpaid because you are unable to work. Unable to work because you weren’t given a task. Time wasted.
Though i don’t waste time in my eyes. I’m doing something always. Chores to personal projects, caring for mmy needs best I can. All of this takes away my energy. I don’t want to create more energy if there isn’t a reason.
What proof do I have that I even exist most days? The mental and physical pain I feel? The food I eat? The warm floor I sleep on? Mowing the lawn and the allergies causing me to suffer? Is this “alive”? Being thankful I can experience all this? That’s it? That’s all I live for is to be just thankful? To just be?
I guess that is all…I have my night dreams and my maladaptive days dreams. What I am unable to do, I do in either of these. Because there is no consequence. No one can punish me or tell me I’m wrong. In my dreams I can wield magic at my finger tips. If someone tries to hurt me all I do is raise my hand and create a barrier until I reach a safe house. And here it is safe. No one can get in unless I protect them as they cross. And if they appear vile like the outside I keep them room coming in. Or else it’s impossible to keep myself from harm.
In this life. It’s not and will not be that easy. Magic does not exist. I am vulnerable always and have no honest way to convince me I’m safe.
I’ve survived in the face of adversity via my tears, and my voice. Sometimes I’ve had to use my fists and I use that after my voice refuses to work. But I just cannot clear these damned memories from haunting me. It doesn’t matter what I’m doing. They just intrude and won’t leave me. If I ignore them then end up making me feel exactly as I felt that day. Acknowledging does nothing and facing it is impossible. You cannot face what is no longer physically present. That doesn’t stop it from eating it’s way from the inside out.
I’m so tired I’ll try to sleep if I can. So afraid to live and so unsure if I exist enough to fear death. Ignorance is bliss.
“I know this much is true” [Wally Lamb quote]
I do not so much fear what I don’t know as much as I fear what I do.
The more you know the more you realize you don’t.