Trouble With the Living

I am over 50 years old. I’ve thought about suicide since I was 13. I have made attempts to end my life more than a couple times. The thoughts, planning, and so on have been so much a part of my mentality, I believe it has become a bad habit, habitual though process. The last stint of actively engaging in therapy my goal was to get new thoughts. I’ve tried. Truly I have tried to get along in the land of the living. When I make an attempt to interact / communicate with my loved ones, I continue to fall short – and immediately go to fantasizing about taking a knife to my throat, a bullet to the brain. Yes I referred to it as a fantasy. I believe the old saying, “suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem” – So I continue to exist aimlessly in the land of the living. Last night it occurred to me that maybe I am dead already. Eureka! Dead already. The body may still be a living organism – but the rest of me…. dead. I can’t even explain what a burden was lifted when I figured that out! The living don’t normally feel comfortable acknowledging the presence of the dead much less communicating with them. I am not sure where this train of thought will take me. But, for now it isn’t the same ol’ sad boring suicidal thoughts that have consumed my mind until now. Why contemplate suicide when I’m already dead? Why contemplate suicide of the body when it is the spirit that suffers so tragically? I am content in accepting the fact I am dead.