hello, Â I’ve been sad for quite some time, I’ve attempted to commit so many times, so many different ways. Here’s alittle bit of my background, I was inlove, I had friends, I had a good job. Everything is gone, I’m not happy anymore, life has manage to take everything away from me. Did I cause this? was it my fault that everyone is gone? For the past week I have been researching on different ways to commit, I came across this website and here I am, making my first post.
I think I felt inlove with my eyes close. I knew it was true love, I knew he was different. He was a thousand miles away, but that didn’t matter, He gave me everything he could, til it just started falling apart, I became angry, I became jealous and sad that I couldn’t be near him, I was afraid of losing him due to my absence. I made so many mistakes trying to get his attention , trying to make him want me, he loved me , he did, but I went the wrong way trying to be with him, I wanted comfort when he wasn’t able to give it to me. He was always busy, sometimes I would feel that he would always put his life over there before me. I was blind, I was mean , and I was selfish. I wish I knew then what I know now. Our relationship lasted for 1 year and 3 months. I was always a honest person and I wore my heart on my sleeve. I screw him over in a moment of passion, I got the attention I wanted for one night, I attempted to have sex with a high school friend, I had succeeded. I had lost my virginity to a person who gave me attention, how pathetic of me. I hadn’t hit rock bottom yet. Within a week, I got the courage enough to call him and tell him the honest truth. After crying, yelling and pointing fingers, I had screwed up the most wonderful thing I ever had. I knew that it would never be the way it was, that my life from then on would change.  It was a awful pain for him, I felt like trash, that’s because I was. I have no excuse for what I did, and I took full responsibility for it. I don’t wanna blame it on my age nor anything else, I wanna leave that in my past, but I still carry that weight on my shoulders til this very moment.
I can never change that, I can never repair what we had, He then on tried to forget about me, which was fine, But I couldn’t forget him. One day, I remember him calling me early in the morning around 6am or 7am, I picked up, he told me about this girl from his past that he had been talking to and that he was now in a relationship with her, I remember putting my clothes on, getting my bag and keys off to my car, I didn’t even say a word to my parents, it was painful, he had all the right to do what he wished, But did he had to let me know what way? no, I would rather him just disappeared from my life rather then knowing he was with someone else. He was still on the phone with me on my way down to the beach, I knew there was a bridge there where I could jump off and end my life, ( by that time I was depressed and losing my close friends. none of them cared or wanted to do anything with me, all they wanted was to drink and party, and I looked down at them for that, it wasn’t my kind of lifestyle, so I lost every single one of them) I was already depressed and I didn’t need that from him right now, I had felt awful as it is and now I was losing him to someone else. In my sick little mind I felt I could make things better, between him and I. That’s the way I used to think. Back to the bridge, my apologies, Â I was there, ready to jump, he was on the phone with me, cars were passing by, before I knew there was a old lady coming towards me, she saw my face, grabbed my hand and told me that whatever I was going through, that it would get better, she started to pray and I began to cry some more, Â less than 2 minuted I was surrounded my tw0 cops, I stepped back and looked at them like traitors. Â I tossed my phone in the ocean , they took me in their car, asked me a million and 1 questions til I pulled it off and they had to let me go, I had failed, I had attempted to take my life for the first time, from then on there would be more attempts.
You can judge me, I know everything was my fault. I am telling no one that I am innocent. The thing that I am trying to tell you all is that, things haven’t gotten better for me even though this was a year ago, I do everything in my powers to forget what I’ve done, but I can’t. I carry this on my shoulders every single day of my life. Â I believe in my heart, I still owe him, he said he has forgiven me, and I believe that. It’s just me, I am still hunted by my past. I have like no friends, yes I do talk to people, but it’s not enough to consider them my friends. Life does go on, but I have this sick mental mind of mines that I consider myself a bad person, that I should be punished for hurting others. Every day I cry once or twice, it’s just a disorder I created within myself, and I can’t escape it. I am being pushed to the limit, soon it will happen.
19 comments
Hang in there Laura.
Ok, so you are not perfect. You think ANY of us here have not made huge mistakes?? Really????
Yup, our errors can be pretty painful. Especially in our own brains. I find it easier to forgive others than to forgive myself.
Hang in there. PEACE!
Yes I know it’s easier to forgive others and not yourself, But thank you for taking time to reply and read this.
no problem.
if you need to talk – write me anytime gbguy1970@yahoo.com
Thank you <3
we all do things in our lives that we regret and sometimes we do things that can change our lives in the worst possible way. even though we do that, we must keep going and try and repair the damage. sometimes that isn’t possible but once you can forgive yourself, you can fix it. don’t let this stop you from living a full life because you have so much more potential that you just don’t see. look at the positive side of everything. he obviously wasn’t meant to be the one and i promise you that somewhere in the world right now, there is someone who is meant for you. you will meet that person and they will change your life. so don’t give up, keep trying. just remember that you are worth something, your life is too valuable to give up. hang in there!
this made me cry omg :'( I need needed this. Thank you <3
Hi Laura,
I’m sorry to hear about the pain you are going through. Hearing about what drove you to try jump off the bridge brought tears to my eyes. It’s crazy how love can sometimes become the very thing that makes us so unhappy.
It sounds as if you are still young, from reading u slept with someone from school.
All I can say is you need to learn how to forgive yourself. You are punishing yourself and won’t give yourself a break. If you can’t find a way to forgive yourself you won’t be able to let go of all the hurt associated with this.
Only once you find a way to forgive yourself can u start to move on. We all make mistakes, some mistakes do haunt us for ages. But your mistake shouldn’t be one of those. I think you have punished yourself way too much. You still have options left. You still have a life to start again. I wish I were young again so I could make mistakes and still have options available
Have you ever thought about joining international programs where u can be sponsored to live and work overseas somewhere? Maybe a change would be good for you? Don’t know. Just a suggestion
I don’t think about my future much, it’s like I’m stuck in a square and I can’t move at all. I try so hard and I’m still young, a little, I was 19 back then and now I’m moving to 21, and so, Time hasn’t changed this feeling I have, I feel like I’ve been used (had sex) and I can never be with someone ever again, like I scared to. It’s an issue within myself that I have developed. I have no words what to call it. It eats away at me, Just last tuesday, I tried to drown myself and failed due to ppl getting near me, I am in the process of purchasing Potassium cyanide. I can’t take another year of this. I am completely miserable.
What Skyrider said:)
And to add to that, I personally believe there isn’t just one person that is right for us. I believe we are meant to meet many different people. I believe you are meant to fall in and out of love quite a few times to learn about yourself and others, and grow. The one you may choose one day is one of many:)
People that were right for you at one stage in your life may not be right later in life and vice versa. One thing I’ve learned the hard way is that people arent supposed to always be in your life forever. People come and go. Some never come back and only a small handful stay. Those friends of mine that are still my friends all these years later also came and went in my life, just following the paths their lives were on at the time
It took me years to stop being sad about that and start realizing that only when people leave, do I have space to let new people in. It’s scary to let go and it hurts sometimes to feel left behind but that’s just how life works.
you guys are amazing! I am like bawling my eyes out, you guys are making me think so much, yet it’s so much easier said then done, who knows what will happen in the future, I cannot forget about my past because he is still in my life, he still talks to me and every time he does talk to me I am so grateful for it. I am thinking to why is he really here, am I meant to stay by his side or is he meant to stay in mines? and how am I suppose to let go of this burden if it comes around when it wants to. Should I just stay away from him? I’ve tried that so many times too D: and failed….
Hmmm… your story made me nervous as it reminded me of a girl who did me wrong thousands of miles away for a night she can’t really remember. I felt I wanted to say something different to your story that no one’s else said but not sure I would be looked at like the bad guy.
What I wanted from her was to know how she betrayed my heart. Your boyfriend telling he was with another was his way of getting back at you and I can’t say if I would or would not do that. I will tell you same I told her, everyone deserves a second chance, this means you messed up but in the future do not make the same mistake.
I’m trying not to come across cruel as my point is that its good to some degree that you felt badly because many people care not about the actions they do and if he was any different he could be the one on this website after what was done to him. He got over it or he’s faking his forgiveness, either way everyone’s right here about learning to forgive yourself and if you can’t forgive what you done, then make yourself into someone you could be proud of. We never stop growing until we stop trying. – take care.
not cruel at all, you are honest and I respect your opinion very much!
I really feel for you.
Let me try help you see things with a different perspective. First time experiences are important because they can often impact the way we see things. If first time experiences are traumatic or have negative consequences, it’s pretty normal to want to avoid that again in future.
It sounds like this guy was one of the first men u truly loved. Long distance relationships are never easy. I know. I was doing long distance from a different country with my current BF before I moved here and it was so tough. I understand the feelings you felt during it. It’s normal to worry about trust if the person you love is so far away. You are only human for feeling some doubt. Most people can’t do long distance because it’s just too hard emotionally.
Secondly, you lost your virginity in a moment of passion/emotion, and yeah-the consequences were that you lost the guy you were in love with.
I really want you to know that these were both negative first-time experiences for you so that’s why you are having a tough time with it all. Oh hun, it sux that your first time ended up being negative. It seems like you have equated sex with loss. That you have associated having sex with bad consequences because of this. That’s not true though.
Obviously this has had a huge impact on you and how you think about sex, love and loss. You feel so guilty about being unfaithful that you can’t let go of him, even now.
What has been done cant be undone. You feel trapped because of your guilt and the loss. The only way to stop the cycle of negative feelings is to let go of him. When you feel ready, you should find a way to say goodbye to him (metaphorically) in order to find peace about this. If him staying in touch causes you to keep hoping that maybe things can still work out, or that maybe there is still a chance, then maybe you both need to agree to stop contact.
I know it’s easier said than done. I’ve been there. But there is no other way out unless you let go.
Have you played different scenarios through your mind about how you would feel now if things played out differently? Sometimes guilt can make us hold on to things that we think we want when we might not really need them
There are things waiting for you to explore still that you can’t while you are trapped in your emotions this way. He might have been the first guy u truly loved but it’s time to let go and move on. Try find a way to do that. Then start looking at what you want to accomplish in your own life to fill the gap.
Don’t give up so early in the life game:)
Make a deal with yourself that you first need to compare your first time experiences with second or even 3rd experiences. Fall in love again at least one more time before u decide to end it all over this one
Have sex again when you are ready and see that it doesn’t always end in loss.
I’m sorry you had bad experiences but don’t let these first times color your life this way. My first times were crap too. So were most of my friends. Jesus, nearly all of us fucked up our first relationships! Some of us are still fucking up our relationships lol but don’t let this become the way you think about love, sex, life.
You are just human. You are probably going to make many more fuck ups in life, like all of us but don’t give up because your first attempts were bad
If we all gave up at first attempts, we would be a race of crawling adults instead of walking adults
Keep ur chin up and try focus on what the very next thing u want to experience is.
I’ve always told myself “let go” over and over again, that longest I’ve gone without talking to him was 2 months… I will confess something to you, My mind makes me feel like I murdered his friend or family, I am not heartbroken , I don’t seek being in a relationship with him because he deserves better, It’s all this sick twisted guilt I have that I must die. I just need to die. This and others things in my life I am not happy with. I seek comfort and advice in so many places, they all say the same thing, to just keep going and move on. Well it’s my life, right? I don’t want it, so why can’t I just throw it away? I’m not scared of anything anymore. But life and my body fights back to keep me alive, I have it tattooed in my brain that I don’t wanna live, but this stupid body says otherwise. It’s not fair. I also feel I have so many responsibilities in my life that I just wanna run away from.
You don’t necessarily have to “let go” you just have to find that common ground in which you know that the past is the past and you just need to work towards the future. You don’t ‘need’ to die, you NEED to live. Life is hard but you gotta hold on because your experience alone can save a teenager or someone going through what you did. You can save another persons life. How awesome is that? You can take someone as negative as what you went through and make it into a positive. You basically can start a chain reaction. You are 100% right about it being your life and yes you can do whatever you want but really think about it and I mean REALLY. Take apart your entire life and inspect everything. What were your hopes? What were your dreams? What made you the happiest in life? (not him) You’ll realize your worth and you’ll realize that people do love you. You need to fight this, not only for yourself but for the future of many other people. How awesome would it be to be able to someday tell your kids that you are a survivor and that you fought your hardest to keep your life and not give into temptation. Don’t run away from your problems, face them head on. I promise you that the pieces will all fit together in the end. If every things not okay, than its not the end. Head up, you’re beautiful!
Apart from him, what else are u unhappy with?
My job, lack of friendship and things to do. Not being motivated enough for anything. Not happy with who I am, the feeling of never being good enough, I had thyroid since I was little and I have to pay lots of money out of my pocket. Just general problems that I can’t fix. I pay rent in my parents house, since I’m not going to school, I feel like a 30 yr old rather then a 20 yr old. I’m just a sad person lol. And I can’t just get the job I would like considering I’m here on a work permit. :(( gawd
I had lots of people today tell me I look awful, like I need to catch up on my sleep. It’s harsh because I do get my sleep since it’s my escape but what I’m saying is that people notice I’m not okay, that I’m starting to lose myself again, which puts me in the position of thinking about suicide alot more. I have waited. How much longer do I have to wait?
Distance can do strange things to a person, and their relationship. It doesn’t even have to be physical distance; emotional distance often has similar effects. I think the worst part of being in this situation where the strain of distance pushing one to breaking point is the feeling afterwards. I think you’re judging yourself much more harshly than most others would.
I agree 🙁