My first post on here after reading the posts for a while.
I let someone in for the first time in years, 11 to be exact, but now I feel worse than ever! I’m 22 and since I was 11 I’ve dealt with feelings of being worthless and being made to feel like I was unwanted, by friends and family and even people I didn’t know. I’ve dealt with being alone for 11 years, I had come to terms with it and even though feelings of depression and suicide would take over from time to time I had found my own ways of dealing with it. Then I let someone into my life, I let him in and let him become apart of my life. Things felt like they were getting better, I even felt like I was loved and I could finally love again. But then things changed, he became distant and seemed to stop caring about me. He started treating me like a door mat only talking or seeing me when he wanted something. All I feel like is nobody wants me, and who would? I wouldn’t want me. I can’t deal with another 11 years of being alone, another 11 years of feeling unwanted. I don’t even think I could deal with 1 more say of it. I’ve already got a plan in my head for when I finally decide to end it, I’ve planned out when where and how. Nobody will notice anyway. I’ve not spoken to my family for over a year now, I have no friends and my colleagues won’t notice. It’s my time to finally say goodbye but not just yet in a few days once I’ve made sure nobody will find me. Sorry for the rant
6 comments
I’m at a similar point now. I have worked out my method (well, I have a choice of 3), I also have a reasonable idea of where I might go and I have a vague idea of when. The thing is that I’ve already set two dates for myself, but other events conspired against me.
I’m sorry to hear that you let someone in that clearly didn’t deserve someone of your calibre. Whilst it’s hard to believe, and this sounds perhaps a little rich coming from a dude that’s also on the brink of topping himself, I’ve never been drawn to as many people at one time as I have since I started posting here. I am now at the point where whilst I know I will check out soon, at least the final stages are going to be a little more comfortable.
And please do not apologise! You have nothing to be sorry for.
I’ve set my date and will be sticking to it, just got a few things that need to be sorted out before I go.
I suppose I am here for the same reason, hopefully make the last few days more bearable until the day I clock out.
Just because you haven’t talked to your family in a certain amount of time doesn’t mean that they aren’t going to miss you. Even though you don’t talk doesn’t mean that they don’t think about you and still care. Sure, sometimes when you let people in they take advantage of it but not everyone will do that. Life is about taking chances, and sometimes those chances may challenge our expectations but that’s okay because that’s what growing up is all about. Just don’t give up, you’re family and other people are going to miss you even though you say they wont, they will. How do you think your mom is going to feel when she gets a phone call saying her child had killed them-self? She is going to be heartbroken, devastated, probably the worst feeling she will ever feel. How about your father, the man who takes pride in his children from birth? His heart is going to break and he’s going to cry. As tough as men act, when it comes to their children they are the most sensitive. Do you really want that to happen? They love you, you have to remember that. You need to stay strong, you can do it.
But that’s the thing nobody will. My mother left my father, my brother and me when I was 6 and I haven’t seen her since then. I used to get an obligatory card on birthdays and Christmas but they stopped when I turned 12, I’ve not heard from her since then. I last saw my father 2 years ago when his last words to me were ‘you aren’t my child, get out of my house and don’t come back. Do the world a favour and jump off a bridge.’ Whilst I am glad that my dad raised me and took care of me when my mum left, rather than let me and my brother go into care. He said those things to me because he found out I was gay; I’ve tried to countless contact him over the years but my calls were always ignored as were my texts, emails and letters. So I really doubt that either of those 2 would care if I died. My brother was the last member of my family I spoke to and that was over a year ago, he told me that whilst I was his brother he couldn’t deal with what I had done to the family. I have done nothing to his family, they were the ones who cut all ties to me no matter how hard I tried. I do think my brother will be sad, and this may sound selfish, but why should I care? He was the one who decided that he couldn’t have both me and my father in his life and so decided to get rid of me. I’ve never had friends I’ve always been quiet and reserved due to the fact that whenever I let people in I get hurt, treated like crap and pretty much walked all over. I can’t see that changing any time soon.
you happen to know a truth about many people: self-absorbed, heartless pieces of shit
it seems you can’t stand to spend more time in this world, I can only wish you much luck on your way out
It’s true there is alot of evil and hateful people out there, and then there is some who are trying to make sense of the world. Most people who kill them selves do not realize that they will come back again to this planet. The situation are always different for everyone, but there will be more challenges when you come back. British Air Marshal Lord Dowding once stated ” Earth is a penal colony or insane asylum for those removed from planets ago.”