Not quite bad as I thought

Well I got back from my friends, and it wasnt as awkward as I thought. It was normal, and even my other friend who came over today and didnt know about it. After he found out I lost 6 pounds taking them he made polite jokes about them instead of asking the usual questions such as why do you need to take those. It was just…great. It really seemed happy. Not even seemed..I really felt happy. When I got home I kinda lost the little high feeling I felt,but I dont feel like im about to have a breakdown like I did Tuesday.

Oo and interesting news! I use the website dearfutureme.com to send my letters to myself..Especially during my begiining depression and I just got a letter and its one of those “Dont do it” letters I found on a blog..and I cried reading it. Im just going to post it (:

“If you kill yourself you will change somebody’s world. That’s right. They will see everything differently. Just hearing your name will burn their mind with memories. They wont be able to go near where you lived, even your town will hold memories. Listening to the radio they’ll hear that song, remember,that song you sang with them once? They’ll step past your locker every day and wonder why you are not there. Why are you not there?? Do you want to be responsible for your family members, the people who love you, crying every night? For your sisters or brothers losing part of who they are? Your suicide is going to effect most deeply those who care about you most. That’s not right. One of your friends may break down, and just like you, their world will be dark. The pain you are in is awful, but why pass it on to hundreds of people around you, when you could try your hardest to work through it? Your family will be paranoid. Suddenly everyone will be talking about them. Do you want to be known as ‘the kid who killed themselves?’ People you never knew will be crying when they hear what you’ve done. Yes, they will be effected. Everyone around you will stop and think ;; “was there something i could have done?” Suddenly the people of your world are dying with guilt. All those little hints you gave, they’ll remember them. Oh yes, and it will torture them all the time. Your friends will think of suicide. Your closest friends are likely to go into a depression like the one that claimed your life. How will they cope, without you? This will break them, for the rest of their lives. And lets not forget the people who will plan your funeral. Your closest friends and family picking out songs for you, photos of you. Crying all the night before, and all the day of your funeral. And all the night after. In fact, they will cry now more than you ever did. Could they have saved you? They’ll be angry. Oh yes. Why didn’t you tell them? They loved you. And now it’s too late. They’ll be angry with you because they know, they know you could have gotten through it. Then they’ll be angry with themselves because they may have been able to save you if only they knew. And one day, one day years from now, they’ll remember you. They will all still remember you. The girl that sat up the front of your class; she’ll remember you. The bus driver you saw every morning; he’ll remember you. That little girl you sat with on the bus once, The kid you leant money to at the shop, all your siblings friends, the people that you dont see, but that see you everyday they will all remember you. And every single one of them will wonder; why? But imagine your family. You are part of them. Without you, something is missing. If you killed yourself then part of them dies too. They are incomplete. Every family gathering will be missing something. The photos on the wall are suddenly all cold reminders of what you did. Who goes through your bedroom? Who cleans out your locker? Who calls the school to tell them one of their students has died? .. Who tells the students? Who calls the funeral directors? Who arranges a coffin for you? Who calls your best friend to tell them you’re dead?? Who finds you? Please, there are other ways out. I know sometimes the struggle is very, very hard. But it’s not worth giving up on life. Life is all we have, life is everything. Its the beautiful moments, and the sad ones. Please, don’t give up on all those around you. You can make it through. My teacher said this about her father, who commited suicide: “I understand that the pain is overwhelming, but I will never forgive him for the pain he has caused others. It was just selfish. If you kill yourself you spread the suffering among thousands of people, it doesn’t only affect those around you but everyone who has ever come in contact with you.” Please, keep fighting. You can get through this and see that there is life after what you’re facing now. It may be hard, but you’ll get there, and when you do you will appreciate it so much more. I understand that most people know that suicide effects others, but please keep this in mind if you’re ever feeling so low. Give people the chance to help you.”