I don’t know why, I don’t know how. All I know is that I can make myself feel better for a while by giving myself 1 or 2 almighty punches in the side of the head. I don’t know if giving myself a headache gives me something to concentrate on, or whether it just shakes my noggin enough to make it work properly for a while.  If it’s the latter, maybe it’s similar to The Fonz hitting the side of the jukebox at Arnold’s. Happy days.
I now understand why cutters do what they do. Whilst my preferred method of self-treatment isn’t cutting, I can see how it might work for some.   I also understand that it’s nothing to be proud of, but I guess right now, it’s better than catching the bus.Â
That said, I have given more thought to my demise. I was originally planning on going for a very long drive to somewhere in the middle of nowhere, and then doing the needful. However, the problem with this is that there is a good chance that by the time I get to my resting place, I might change my mind and thus have a long drive back.   I’m planning on going for a drive tonight to see if there is anywhere a little nearer where I can be alone for one night without being discovered. I have a couple of ideas, but it requires further research.
4 comments
This is what sucks about being intelligent. When you have a knack for planning, things are so much easier to roll into a bureaucratic process. Projected costs, time-estimations, travel expenses… I really hate it when I start thinking about it in those terms.
It may be that your nervous system is under-stimulated and a smack upside the head gets it firing properly again. I get that sometimes. From what I’ve read, that mechanism may underlie the desire to cut, as well. It might also be drug companies trying to expand the definition of ADHD to capitalize an untapped market, though, so it’s really hard to say.
What’s brought you to this point in your thinking?
When I’m really low I give headbutts to walls, I too think headaches are a way to monopolize thought.
Useless trivia, hitting yourself in the head gives micro traumas to your brain (just like a soccer ball on your head, or even braking too hard with your car if you’re one who drives fast). You’re in fact microdumbing yourself.
@orangish: I don’t know. All I know is that I feel better for a little while after smacking myself in the head. I guess what brought me to that point was when I was particularly distressed last Saturday night. I was at a loss as to what I could do. So, I thought i’d punish myself by beating myself in the head a couple of times.
@Elleonil: The headache gives you something else to focus on. I think next time I will aim to get to the stage of dizziness. As for the microtraumas, I probably need these microtraumas to kill some braincells and dumb myself down a bit. When was the last time you saw a clinically depressed dumbass?
You want to kill some braincells, just watch some TV. The dumbasses I live with walk around all day saying things like, “I hate my life. Why do I have to get out of bed. The sun is bright. Ow. Where did I put my underpants.”
Etc…