This is going to be really long but I’m going to keep it as short as possible. This is most of my life and most of my problems all in one. Â I’ve never told anyone all of this but I really need to get it all off my chest- Â so here it goes
So I’m  a 13 year old boy crazy girl. From the outsde I look like I have it all together. I’m that pretty popular cheerleader who looks like she has a lot of friends and guys like her. Sounds greatright? That girl isnt the real me. I’m falling apart.Im insecure. I feel fat an ugly and dumb. Ive started to do  some illegal things I make me feel better. I also cut myself and I  have suicidal  thoughts. I want to be anorexic and I’ve tried being bulimic but whenever I try to make myself throw up it doesn’t work so I cut myself and have sucidial thoughts and just feel worthless an horrible about myself. I’m not Doug all this just to get attention or be ‘cool’ my life is so messed up.my parents are divorce and can’t even be on the phone without screaming at each other – this has been happening since I was 4. My dad is emotionally and mentally abusive. He usually doesn’t hit me but he has before. He is also an alcoholic. I never want to seem him and agian and you would think my mom wouldn’t make me go over there anymore but she does. Her reason? She likes having the time away so she can do  other stuff- so basically shedoesnt want me and my dad last summer straight out told me he didn’t want to see me anymore and he still has yet to apologize or even acknowledge what he said. And for the past few months he hasn’t been paying for child support so legally he could go to jail but my mom won’t report him because then shed have to have me all the time. My mom since I was little has worked full time and so he’s gone at about 7 and doesn’t get back till about 7 so she’s barely ever around. She also has had 4 serious boyfriends since I was 5 thative met and then they’ve left. And I know she can’t control either  of those but with my dad constantly coming in and out of my life and her boyfriends coming then leaving forever and she also has a boyfriend right now who came into my life when I was 11 and I don’t want him to be a father figure but I don’t know what I want him to be. He doesn’t really try with me and the longest conversation we had was him yelling at me and basically calling me a worthless dumb piece of shit who is going to fail in life. On top of me not really liking him his son sexually assaulted m- he took advantage of me after we’d smoked a laced cigar (I didn’t knôw it wa laced ) and I was messed up and didn’t know what was happily till a few hours later I think. I told one of my good friends but I only told we because I was drunk. She’s the only one who knows besides his best friend who was there. And I have a brother who is 16 and no matter what he does he’s the perfect child and compared to him I’m nothing. In my moms eyes nothing I do or say is as good or as worthy as his opinion. And he knows  it he acts likely is perfect and I am his walking mat. He also tries to parent me since we never had a father but he doesn’t know when to parent and when to be a brother and it’s justhorrile. I have trust issues with guys but at the same time I get attached to guys to easily and right now I love this guy who told me he lives me but he barel ever calls or texts me and it’s been a month and a half ( I know it sounds childish and immature but when we were together we spent 24/7 with each other but he lives in a different state so I guess it’s not gonna work.Idintbhave a lot of friends and especially not a lot of really good friends and even my really good friends I can’t trust. I’ve been called a slut since 3r grade not because I actually do anything bad (I’m a Virgin) but I rally don’t know but I let people joke about it wither but it really hurts. I crave guys attention cause when a guy notices me I feel good about myself for a second. It’s like I really am addicted to attention from guys.  I’m just so confused and broken and I’m hurt and I just want to fix it. I want to attempt suicide so badly but I don’t want to die and I just want to show people how much I really amhurting. Some call it a cry for attention but I don’t want attentions just want help. I want to get diagnosed and treated for depression but I don’t know how to. I want to attempt suicide but not die. I’m just a mess and in falling apart and I dont know what to do
4 comments
I had a childhood like yours – I am here now because of heartbreak, doh – but listen, it is not you who is wrong, it is your role models. Whilst i don’t necessarily promote this, I actually left home at 16 in the end, went to live with other relatives, and started doing well, and then lived such a great life – until this damn heartbreak – I really made something of myself, went to Japan to teach English for 17 years, saved my money, am finally free, at 44, but duh, now I am so sad. But forget my story, you are still young and you sound like a girl who is unappreciated by those who should know better. What you have to do is distance yourself in your head from their negativity, believe in yourself, and you will find that your life will get better, and you will be stronger. I remember my mum stopped my Beano and stuff like that, and so I thought of suicide…looking back, duh, but you must also remember that at your age your hormones are all over the place, so if you have these dark thoughts, they are just ‘normal’ for your age. You have to think practically to get through this. You are not the adult, so you think it’s you who has a problem. No, it is your role models who have the problem, and shame on them. Just like it was my mum who had the problem, not me, but I still loved her, felt sorry for her, actually, and then went and built a fantastic life for myself. Get strong, dear girl, and remind yourself daily it is not you with the problems. xx
Be strong hardertobreathe!! I know that a big problem in your life is your family and to solve your relationship with them is a hard task to do.
You might feel better if you start doing analysis with a psychologist. When I was a teenager my family and I attended family therapy over 2 years in a row with meetings once every two weeks. It might help everybody relations including you.
I know it’s hard because people are very closed to make analysis, but it’s a good tool to solve problems between people from the same family.
Hi hardertobreathe. I really feel for you babes, you sound like a very honest and genuine girl. The words I am so glad to hear are ‘I don’t want to die’ and even ‘I want to attempt suicide but not die’…of course I don’t want you to do that, though. You say you are not crying for attention but that you want help, and I respect that. You don’t sound like a drama queen, but a teenager who is facing family difficulties above and beyond what many of her classmates do. Your Mum’s never there. You and your dad don’t get along and he’s abusive. There have been mum’s boyfriends in and out of the house. You feel she is sending you to your dad’s purely for her own ulterior motives, rather than because it benefits you. Your brother is ‘the perfect child’ that you can never live up to. All of this would be enough to depress anyone, HtB.
Rather than attempt suicide as a way to show people you’re hurting HtB, please try some other avenues and ways to get help. Talk to a teacher or school counsellor, or other adult that you can trust. Tell them about the suicidal thoughts. Go and see your doctor. Family therapy could be a good idea but that relies on your Mum/Dad/brother being willing to participate and they probably won’t be unless they realise how much you are hurting.
Keep posting here if it helps HtB. I wish you the best, as you deserve. Zx
Thanks 🙂 I really want to go live somewhere else but obviously I can’t. I’m already not home much especially when I’m suppose to be at my dads so I’m thinking it’s going to be about the same if my mom and her boyfriend get married. I just hate having these thoughts and wanting to hurt myself and wanting to let go because I feel like its hurting my friends and family even though most of them don’t know. If they found out though I feel like they would just act like I’m a dumb stupid pathetic little girl whose just faking it all for attention but I’m not. I try to keep myself busy because the minute I don’t have something to do I think and I get depressed and have suicidal thoughts and what not. I hate having to cover up my cutting and hide the scars. I really want to fix it because I hate feeling like this. I want to talk to someone but I don’t know how to approach it or even tell someone.