When I was born I had the perfect family. Typical happily married young aspiring husband (my dad) and loving devoted child rearing wife (mom). Â Up until around age 3 everything was alright. Â Then even as a young kid, I noticed that my Dad yelled at my mom a lot. I didn’t understand why my mom would cry every day when my dad left for work. She started drinking a lot. She never neglected or mistreated me in any way, but she just became even more withdrawn. By The time i was 5, My family had already moved 3 times. My mother had endured giving birth to 3 children in 3 separate states. She was never the same outgoing person again.
fast forward to age 15
living with my father and stepmother was hell. I had been smoking pot just to deal with the constant psychological torture. The agony of everyday life was unbearable. I literally could not do anything right. Anything at all was grounds for immense critique and I was also under an intense scrutiny that did not apply to my siblings. There was also a power vacuum created when my sisters and I were left home alone. Lots of sibling rivalry.
Thinking back on it, this was probably the first time I had suicidal ideation. The complete emotional desolation led me to a point where i believed that suicide was the only way I could escape the terrible reality I’d created for myself.
By the time I was a freshman InÂ high school, I had met the most amazing girl in the world. From the very beginning I knew she was the one I wanted. She had the kind of style that’s impossible to fake. Every time I looked in her eyes I felt amazing. I spent the first 6 months of our friendship chasing her relentlessly. I never gave up. I got her aÂ bouquetÂ of white roses on valentines day. Still, this whole time she had maintained the friends barrier.
One night when something had happened with her family she came to my house at 2 am. She knocked on my window and I let her in. For about 6 hours I held her as she lay crying in her arms. I softly stroked her hair and kissed her on the forehead. I think this was the first time she realized she had feelings for me back.
About 6 months after this (Oct 2011) I told her that I wanted her to be my girlfriend. She told me that she had been waiting for me to ask her for months and that she was crazy about me. We started dating and with that came beautiful firsts. She was the first girl I could kiss that actually made me feel something. She had always told me that she wanted to wait until marriage to lose her virginity. I told her that i would never make her do anything she didn’t want to do and i gave kissed her. And I meant it.
As the time went on, kissing turned into sex and at a point we were having sex 3 times a day. By this time I had began to materialize her for sex. I basically took her emotions for granted. I regret it to this day.
So after a while I broke up with her because I knew I could still have sex with her, and I was interested in other girls and I didn’t want to break her heart by cheating on her because I would never disrespect her and betray her trust like that. This was the single stupidest mistake I have ever made in my whole life. No amount of regret, remorse, or sorrow will ever make up for this idiotic choice. I threw away the most beautiful thing in my life. Threw it away for lust and greed and vanity. I never knew what I had until it was gone.
We’ve been best friends since a month after that all happened. We still had sex but recently she had been very distant from me, and since I basically depend on her for happiness this had a terrible effect on my overall mood. I decided to call her last night. She told me that she is interested in another guy but that she still wanted to be “friends”. Thanks for the consolation prize. When she said it I just said “sorry to hear that” and hung up on her awkwardly. Â I sat down on the floor of my room and I started to feel desensitized to reality.
I woke up this morning and punched myself in the face to see if this was real life. I cant even believe the girl that i swore would never leave me was gone.
Every time I fell down I picked myself up because I knew that I could lean on her.
Every single time i felt like I had nothing left she was still there
and now she’s gone
just like that.
I don’t know what comes next. but I think this story is going to come to an end very soon.