So i find myself in my own hole again, im 21 years old and i’ve suffered from depression all my life as well as other disorders. i first started feeling depressed when i was a young child. The first thoughts of suicide that i can remember was when i was 8 and from that point i’ve been on and off many medications. I’ve had the ups and the downs and now i feel like im stuck in the down and i can’t get out. i spent a month in a psych ward in December and was released in January. i was homeless when i was released but i was determined to push myself and i did. shortly after i got a job that i loved, i got my first apartment. My own apartment. and thing’s went were going great. But there had always been a gaping hole in me where i always felt alone, i’ve always been different and antisocial. But things were bearable because i was making enough money to keep myself busy, too but things for my ex who i still care about deeply, and still pay all my bills and have everything covered.
A month ago i lost my job and i’ve been looking for a new one but i ended up sustaining an injury to my ankle and i can’t walk. im losing my apartment. i have no family to fall back on anymore, and im afraid that my ex is getting back with her other ex that she keeps running back too, she cheated on me with and afterwards she made a promise to me and herself that she would never speak to him again but as soon as we broke up she started talking to him again.
Basically everything i had going for me, everything that kept my head in check has fallen apart. I’ve been planning on waiting till i can see her one last time and use the last of my money to take her out to a nice restaurant and something special because no matter what i will always love her and i want to spend my last night on earth with her and afterwards to go hang myself.
I honestly don’t want to live anymore, it’s just too much effort to keep pushing past this depression. I seem to be incapable of keeping anything together and i just want to give up. i just found this site tonight when i googled a few things about suicide and i figured i might as well post something on here because i can’t talk to my friends about this.