How do you motivate yourself?

Suicide is the only answer for me, don’t bother telling me otherwise, I’ve tried and failed before but I haven’t changed my mind. I’ve been unhappy and apathetic for as long as I can remember regardless of how hard I’ve tried to push myself or the different things I’ve tried. I just want the pain to go away, it’s really unbearable at times. I think about bad times in my life, about God, about all the bad people in the world, how bad the world is, how worthless I am, and often enough I picture myself dying in gruesome ways. I end up crying, shaking, throwing up, or like I’m losing my sanity. I don’t want that and nobody has the right to take the option to end my life away. For the most part I’m  not afraid of dying, when I tried killing myself the last thought I had before I blacked out was “Maybe I won’t suffer anymore, maybe I can finally die” and I was perfectly okay with that up until I woke up and was still alive. What I’m afraid of is the “how”. I don’t know why that’s such a big problem, if I pictured something like taking a cyanide pill I wouldn’t squirm at the thought, but if I pictured jumping in front of a train there’s no way in hell I could make myself do that. There’s plenty of ways to “go” that are easy in the sense that they are accessible but hard in the sense that they will be more than likely be incredibly painful or that I might survive and wake up in a worse physical/mental state then I was before.

It’s been almost a full year since I tried and nothing has changed, things have gotten worse as they always have. What drives me the most crazy is that I can’t even try anything because there’s always someone in my house, I was going to try carbon monoxide poisoning but since people are always in my house I can’t do that and that’s my only peaceful solution of dying which I can’t do in my house obviously. I can barely get out of my room anymore and I was thinking about trying to get a job just so I could move out or rent a place at a hotel for a bit to try to end my life like I tried before. It’s ironic in a way, when depression is the reason I want to die and yet its the very thing that’s holding me back from making the effort to even try to end my life. It’s made me laugh at times, I can’t even motivate myself enough to end the pain, my anxiety and depression skyrocket through the roof when I’ve had a job before, even the thought of it does. Hah, I guess what I was asking how do you motivate yourself past your depression to end your life? Pretty silly fucking question with no definitive answer. For some reason this reminded me of that episode of Futarama where they featured a scene of a Suicide Booth where you pay money to end your life in a way of your choosing, if only those existed…