I can’t complain too much about my life. Both my parents love me, though sometime I find myself thinking it’s because they have to. I have a little sister and an older brother. Things I have to complain about are typical in our now a day system.
I’ll start with my siblings.
My little sister is a princess at heart but a complete wannabe to the darker side of life. She loves shopping for clothes and toys alike. Though fakes being bored. She loves the colors pink and purple and does her best to hide it. We all know how good little kids are at hiding things. She pretends to like skulls, the color black, and monsters. When I can tell it grosses her out. She’s not even half way through elementary school, and she’s faking who she is to have friends. She’s a two face in more ways than one. At school she’s kind to her friends, same when my brother and I have new friends over. Then at home she becomes a bossy, lazy, little brat. I worry about her though she hates me. I know she wants me gone. She’s asked me before if she could have my stuff when I die, and has multiple times tried to push me down the stairs, left the gas running in the house and so on. I don’t hate her. I just wish she’d quit faking. She’d be happier that way.
My older brother is the only one in my family that I can really stand. He understands me for the most part. He doesn’t get me completely but enough to the point where it helps. We have different interests but work well together. We can joke and he makes me feel better when I think there’s no one in the world that could help. Thing is he’s Four years older than I am, and is now married and away in the military. I miss him and it feels as though I’ve lost a support beam in my life. I fear for when it all comes crashing down.
Now for my parents.
My parents are divorced but I never cared about it. They’d both spoil me, if I only asked. Neither likes the way I dress, act, or most of the people I hang out with. Neither understand why I am the way I am. I can’t help what I like. I see how others act and treat each other, how they dress and what they think is beautiful, the fake smiles and happiness that’s bought by selling their true personality. I see those people. The beings my parents want me to be like and I can’t help but wonder why they’d want me to be such an ugly person. My parents believe me to be a negative person and that I have so much to be happy for. That I have a perfect life and I have nothing wrong in it. To me it sounds like living in a bubble, ignoring others who suffer for the sake of my own happiness.
This is why I can’t be fake.
All my life I’ve moved around, it comes with being a military brat. Thing is I have what could be called a self proclaimed job. It comes from seeing other people then those who are happy being fake. All my life I’ve seen past the glamour of happy bright colors and the ‘everything’s ok in life’. I’ve always seen the invisible people who suffer alone in the back ground. There’s at least one in every school, every block, playground and amusement park you can think of. The person with no friends, hurt feelings, and a world that’s crashing down on top of them. I’ve made it my job to find and help them in every school I go to. I couldn’t leave them alone as I have been most of my life. I once found six in one school. We all became good friends and they do better now, even after I left. They have real smiles and true laughter.
But this is where and why I hurt so bad that I want to take me own life.
Unlike most teens my age I found my place in the world when I was eleven. I knew my purpose in life. But everyday there are those who suffer that I can’t help even if I meet them. I could bring them a small comfort but nothing more to ease their pain. I know I could never help everyone in life, I never planned to, it’s not my place and not a burden I would be strong enough to bare. I want to help those I meet at least, because they can be the kindest of people, and the best people I have ever known. They suffer more than they should. With those I do help I’m sometime’s required to give a trait of a personality I don’t have. I’ve lost and found myself so many times do to this. The pain, suffering and loneliness I see everyday gives me a constantly changing personality, and it hurts so badly. It hurts because I am alone. I have no true friend and have to leave the ones I make after helping them find real friends
I always feel so alone
Am I wrong to feel this when there are others who hurt much worse than I do.
2 comments
it doesnt matter why someones hurting, it matters they’re hurting. it’s easy to apply this to everyone else but never yourself, as hard as it is, accept what your feeling instead of telling yourself you shouldnt be hurting, you wouldnt do that to anyone else so why do it to you? AND anyone that says you have a perfect life and should be happy, isn’t completely wrong i guess, they just dont understand what it’s like, think about it this way, when you stand up for yourself for what your feeling your standing up for everyone else who feels guilty about who they are.
You’re not wrong to feel that way. It’s hard living on the fringes. Remember that you have worth; you’ve touched a lot of lives by the sound of it and provided a lot of comfort for others when they were suffering. If you’re moving a lot, you really don’t have the ability to put down roots, but in today’s society, the roots tend to get cut before the tree does for most people. We all live in a state of flux. The fact that you can empathize so well is a rare quality. I’m sorry if I don’t have much more helpful to say, but I wanted to tell you that I read your story, and I hear you. Don’t give up.