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I lost my last possible chance at happiness

by kthxbai2u

After all the bullshit, the hospital, etc. I felt no more ‘better’ than I did before all of that crap (read my other posts to find the other shit I have been going through). I actually feel much much worse than before (this post explains most of it).

I was trying to find just one reason to stay alive, and figured I could make one with my XGF. I figured we could try things again. I figured I could stay permanently, and make the kid’s life better. Now that she has no chance, the poor kid will go through “father” after “father” after “father”. She claims she knows what a ‘father figure’ is, and she says her in-law is already a father figure… Well, FYI, a father is someone who is around ALL of the time, not some of it… A father is home 24/7 with kids except for work and maybe the occasional outing.

I thought two shitty lives could make a good life… She disagrees… But she is wrong. Had she not screwed every chance of her even being a close friend any more, she would have figured it out… We could have been happy. Her child could have had a decent father figure around, and one that would stay… Well, she fucked all that up. I would have been happy.

Now as a result of her calling my life ‘a breeze’ compared to hers, I have lost all respect for her. She is now joining the rest who DO NOT UNDERSTAND by saying “life is what you make it”. Well, OBVIOUSLY this is NOT TRUE, because I would NEVER EVER make my life a shitty one, or anyone else’s for that matter.

Not even my closest friend understands, and now I have lost her. She knew more about me than my own freaking mother. She doesnt realize yet what she just screwed up….

I guarantee she will go from guy to guy to guy without realizing she is hurting her child more…

I am glad I didn’t get too close to her kid, although he did get attached to me (or maybe it was my iPhone he liked to play games on haha)…. I feel just this may hurt him to find out I am not going to be around any more… Oh well, at least it was not my fault, and at least the kid isn’t heartbroken (not yet anyways).

You see? This is EXACTLY why I thought this might be a BAD idea… You didn’t understand now, and I bet you still don’t understand or ever will.

I just lost my only true friend. My closest friend. I no longer have any reason (or hope for a reason) to live anymore… I was scrapping for one reason to live, and that would have been it, we COULD have been happy.

Not anymore.

I don’t think I will ever be happy again. I just lost the only thing in my life that DID matter, all for her stupid nonsense. And then she blames it on me… Well I am not the one who started the day off with “your life is a breeze compared to mine”.

Good luck finding someone who cares just as much about your kid as he does you. You just lost a decent person (yes there is at least 1 of those in the world) and good luck finding another. I happen to know that 99.9% of guys are dicks, abusive, or otherwise unpleasant.



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restrictingheart 8/15/2012 - 1:03 pm

I’m really sorry 🙁
I guess you’re right some of don’t get it. I mean i’m a 17 year old girl and have no idea how to completely understand what you are going through. But you know alot of people can make wrong choices. So maybe your friend made the wrong choice. Maybe you should trust that she will figure it out. Maybe she disagreed with you that two shitty lives could make a good one and she thinks you have it easy because she is too consumed by her pain to notice yours right now. Maybe she is too scared to try again in fear of getting hurt or even in fear of hurting you. Please don’t give up because that may have been the reason to live that you were scrapping for but there has to be another one. Maybe that is the one you were hoping for but that can’t be the only one you can find. It doesn’t have to be a big reason. It could be a really stupid or funny reason like my reason to live for two weeks was Taco Tuesdays @ Baja Fresh. yes i am sad but i’m also still here so i think you should stay too 🙂

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