I’m skipping a lot

I have found this site helpful mainly because I now know I’m not alone.
I’ve always been depressed, since my parents split when I was 4 but I’m now 23 and I dont have anything to show. I had dreams to ve a musician and let them die.I came up with this idea to kill myself (the word suicide disgusts me) about two years ago but my future roommate convinced me better. I convinced myself that it was because she had feelings for me and I could find meaning in life by taking care of her and her child. our relationship got more intense, but as this past 5 months flew by, she skirted to faking. I have very few friends, a father and a brother I talk to every once in a while, but even those relations are failing. dont get me wrong, I do wang to die/ I dont want to die. the world is an ugly place. I’m waiting until this girl is able to live on her own, but I want to do it considerately, but painlessly…so gun. I’m going to call the cops and inform them what I am doing, who I am, and my last wishes. I know its bad, but I’m informing my friends too so they know its not their fault (even though secretly it is). life is a choice, death is an option. its not my fault I am kind and too generous. I dont make these people take advantage of me, give nothing in return.I lived and I’m happy with the memories I gave others.maybe when I’m dead, they will let me live down the not so bad things I did…I dont point out their bs.