Had a few good (sort of) days. Now the depression is coming back like it always does. Suffering 2 month long dakr depression for 2 to 3 days of mild happiness? Who ever said it was worth it was a wonderful optimist. The sad part is the depression is getting worse and darker and playing with my suicide button I don’t really hide at all within myself. I dare it to push it. But no…The depression gets longer into the burning depths while the “happy†days shorten. It makes me want to go back to cutting so I can endure this predictability more easily and continue doing what the house and outside yard needs of me.
I was definitely doing ok. Not a Mary Poppins, Ms. Frizzle’s Magic School Bus kind of way, more of a salutations Charlotte’s Web moments. The good and bad all in a day. Yes I’m still in the present state. The future doesn’t mean anything at all and the past is in the present but I’m ignoring it to the best of my ability. My mind just does not seem to grasp what I’ve been telling it.
I’m not going to be on too long. I’m going to try and get some sleep. I’ve been going to bed earlier and earlier. I don’t find much reason to stay up now a days. Tonight (morning) is the exception because it “may†be one of those sleepless panic attacky nights. I just do not know. But the nightmare I had earlier in the day may be a precursor. Those sleep paralysis type nightmares. Where a vacuum and a trash can look 100% like people. The only actual significance of that is I felt like my heart was trying to explode out of my chest for no reason at all. Yea it was weird but I’ve had that happen quite abit in the past and now it doesn’t affect me so much. Well that heart bit was new but in general that doesn’t bring me fear.
Alright I’m out I need to force myself to sleep. Here’s hoping my monitor or tv doesn’t magically turn itself on again.