Song I’m listening to right now.
I’ve done alot since my last post. I’m being usually creative. My friends are wowed and my parents are impressed. I’m not. It won’t matter in a few years anyway. No matter how many photos I snap or how hard I work the garden, how many times I do simple things to make my and others lives better I’m still unhappy. Even though a smile is weakly plastered on my face. I’m pushing myself to the limits before I die.
No matter if a happy event comes to me or not I will say this. That fear has destroyed me. I am no longer 100% myself. I still shed a tear a few nights. That darkness strangling me right before I close my eyes. The sense that something is in my room watching me. I can’t sleep those night unless I pass out from exhaustion. It’s hard to find a movie or song that can comfort me during the night that doesn’t have me feeling some type of emotion.
And when I’m outside..I look up and I’m lost. LOst in that I just cannot understand how things are possible and why nothing can ever be done about it. Why I have to sit here and live. Day to day struggling to pretend I’m a success and happy in mind body and spirit. Life is false and my mind and heart know this. It’s all fake and I am fake. No way a person like myself is real.
Emptiness feels nothing inside me. The less I feel the more things will go on. Not get better because they honestly never trully do, but not get worse because they always do. No just feeling nothing as I glide towards the finish line as fast as I can. I still enjoy things but i let them go since there is really no point in clinging to temporary things. Good bad up or down. Hot or cold there is no point. And because there is no point I’m going out with a bang.
All my talents will be shown for all to see. That’s who I actually am. A person of many talents of voice, writing, drawing, modelling, gardening, fixing, solving, questioning. Etc. Anything I touch I can learn it. Whether I excel is what is unknown. Just because I do does not mean I really want to. Why? That answer is simple. No point.
When I became numb I started doing things not expecting anything at all. I’m always let down and decided I have to get used to it until someone offs me or I off myself. Good is only in nature. That’s really it.
That farm I want won’t be obtainable in this century. I was born in a century that’s almost destroyed. The lands are not as fertile. The cost of land is too high, I know nothing of traditional vegetable farming. Overseas land is expensive, and also becoming few because everyone keeps breeding.
There is nothing left in a land of plenty. Two sides to a sword.
What will I do? Keep moving forward faster than the hells can keep up with me. Exposing myself raw to the world like a red giant. I won’t dwell of the awes, I won’t listen to the wows, I just need to keep moving full speed ahead. If I cry then oh well I work till the tears dry up.
I’m thankful for what I have don’t get me wrong, but I only wanted one thing in the first place and now I have to get used to the substitutes. Have to get used to the depression. Have to get used to being around rude and inconsiderate people. I have to get used to getting used to.
8 comments
What was i one thing you wanted.? And what’s your suicide method.?
Since I was very young all I wanted was a wonderful wife of my own. Not all these fancy things. It’s a huge sacrifice and if I had a wonderful wife and other random things. The randoms would be a bonus.
My method: I plan or planned to work hard and buy some farm land that’s nearly isolated in the future and either work the fields to death or build my own grave and shoot myself in it. I know I’d struggle in the grave the body fights but without the mind the body wouldn’t even exist. It’s the only way I’d like to go.
Still could happen. Your under 50 right.?
It could happen even if you’re over 50.
Yea I’m 23. The reason why the towel is thrown and will no longer be washed is because I’m broken. I’m broken beyond repair. It’s one thing to have broken bones or a minor trauma. It’s another when your own mind starts touching the outer realm of understanding and existence and then comes back to really look at what’s truly going on and the diversity of people and creatures in it and come to the conclusion there is no longer a point in being here for the game of life. Everything is life is temporary to such a degree that there is no point in grasping for anything.
I hear you loud and clear. I can relate to you so much. We are alike in that we lost ourselves, we are fake, whoever everyone thinks we are. We work our asses off for what? Just to work our asses off. If that alone could kill me, I’d be gone already.
They say work is good for your mental health, but SomeMalaise you are maybe proof that it isn’t a panacea for everything. I have to say having this ‘wonderful wife’ is not a magic pill either. People will always let us down, especially if we rely on them for happiness.
What’s stopping you from achieving your dream (of the wonderful wife say?) Obviously there are some difficulties with the farm but you could maybe tend an allotment or something on a slightly smaller scale…
I wish you well SM. Zx
You’re right about the wife not being a cure all and that’s just the thing. I know from watching everyone wherever I go and listening to my friend that relationships aren’t easy and there is no rush yada yada yada. I understood that from a young age but everyone I knew took my knowledge for granted. I still tried. I used to date alot online or tried to get someone in school just to get to know. The ones online ended up being closed minded subtly when I expressed who I was, and the ones I tried to chase and get to know in school flat out rejected me. I’m not a perfect person and I was better to a certain degree when I was younger in that I took highly calculated risks and wasn’t afraid to least try to get to know a girl. Now I’ve given up any kind of hope or pursuit of that nature mainly because if I’m this messed up I’ll only attract messed up people even if I’m in my high confidence I can do this and not regret consequences kind of mood. So I decided I’d make friends ONLY if a person makes the first move. I get tire of initiation.
Farm wise an allotment doesn’t seem bad but I know less about that than I do about farming. Plus as I mentioned I rather be isolated only because I live currently in the city that’s filled with a lot of nothing to do. And that’s just me personally on that type of matter. I rather be in the open fields than a cramped, polluted, wannabe gang infested, fast food on every corner, forced to get to know your neighbour type of area. I have been mistreated as have all here and I just rather not continue to be around for the rest of the mistreatment. After 30 or so in my eyes for myself there is no point in living longer. No point in extending a life beyond it’s limits.