New Here…

I just came across this site this afternoon. It’s actually the exact sort of place I had always looked for before, when the darkness always took over. Any time I googled anything about suicide, it was always for help, for “don’t do it” articles, for getting over depression. I realized somewhere along the way, this isn’t something you “get over”, it is always with us. True, it has been a while (less than a year…which is a very long time for me) since I’ve been there, drowning in that blood-red sea with no sign of hope on the horizon, but it’s still in me. I realized being so raw all the time, I see the world differently than the people I know who have never been here. When I come out of the haze, this world is so much more beautiful than I ever remember it being. I’ve been in a bit of a high the last few months, relatively content most days, feeling everything that comes my way and more importantly experiencing it. I’ve been trying to live my life outside of the typical norm. I’ve been trying to stay away from all the negativity in the media and (a lot of) people and focusing on what is most important. I’ve been getting out of my head and into my body (moving, you know…it’s kind of a good thing). The smiles I wear for the people I love feel more real each day, some days I don’t even have to force myself to do it. I do have to remind myself that life is worth living, because it’s all we will ever have. I do have to stop myself from sinking. I test those dark waters, sometimes too closely and fall in a bit. I probably listen to far too much of The Cure and Joy Division for someone who is trying to be happy. But you know what? Maybe some of us aren’t supposed to be happy or sad, but both at the same time. Does that seems so crazy? That we just accept it as part of individual makeups and continue on with life, as simply and uncomplicated as we can, even letting go of that last bit of sanity, only so that we may continue to breathe?

I don’t know…I’m sure it’s different for everyone. All I know is that I’m a genuinely positive person, normally the bubbly type, who is happy and sad all at the same time, living life as fully as I allow myself to. I know I’ll be back here some day with much less light to shine, but until then I will return to help if it is wanted.

Speaking of help, I often watch this (sometimes daily) as a reminder that we are all terribly insignificant, possibly here by complete accident, and therefore even more precious than if we had been purposely created.  (http://youtu.be/4PN5JJDh78I)

I hope you are all having relatively good days.