Not actually much of a Harry Potter fan, but I thought it was an apt title anyway.
I’ve wanted to kill myself for several years now. I haven’t had the thought every day or anything, but there would be weeks at a time when I would try to push myself and make it through the day. I would keep myself as busy as possible so I couldn’t think. Still I had to go to sleep at some point and that’s when the thoughts and plans started brewing. Every night I would lay down and realize how pointless and lonely everything was. These feelings persisted for weeks at a time. Then they would abate and I would go to feeling….well not suicidal, but now good either. Sometimes ther would be times when I would have a good day. To me though those good days would make it all the more confusing and painful. I didn’t understand why I couldn’t just feel fufilled like I used to. I tried to change, but couldn’t.
It got to a breaking point this past March. I had to drop most of my college classes and miss a month of school. I couldn’t sleep, I threw up everything even though I wasn’t eating, and didn’t have enough energy to get out of bed. I would go between facing incredible amount of pain to feeling nothing at all. I got very angry at myself for being this way. I wanted to be able to trade places with somebody who died early or didn’t have as fortunate of a situation as I did and just die for them. I was angry mostly that even though I am given so much to be thankful for I couldn’t feel happy anymore or really much of anything. I would shut down and literally stare at the wall for the entire day because I couldn’t do anything.
Yet here I am. Months later with the energy to write a coherent response to a website. It might not seem like much but I am proud and a bit amazed. Because for so long I kept my depression and anxiety to myself. I didn’t want to talk about my problems to anyone because I didn’t believe I was worth it to burden them further. I didn’t want to tell anyone (and still have told only two people ever) that I had a plan to kill myself. Becuase I knew if I told that I wouldn’t be able to go through with it and have people watching for me.
One day I broke though when I came home to visit home and my mom asked what was wrong. I couldn’t keep it in and just sobbed. I have to say talking to someone about the pain helped. I felt selfish and ashamed to do so, but now looking back it was the best decision I ever made. I found out depression runs in my family and they do understand almost exactly what I am going through. I learned there was options. I learned a lot.
Talking didn’t fix everything at once. Hell I still feel suicidal on occasion (like last night). But it’s not at that all consuming place I was just a few months ago. I learned how to cope. Though I still stumble and fall I get up and am able to move forward. Bit by bit I am changing and getting stronger. It takes a while, but it can happen if you let yourself have some more time. Find anyway to get through the day when you feel most hopeless. If possible try to do something. I started out by gaming again. I didn’t really enjoy it like I used to, but at least it got my mind off of killing myself for a few hours. It can be anything. Most importantly get help and talk to someone. Preferably a professional, but really anyone (family, friends, hotlines). It seems pointless I know. You think there will be nothing more you will want than to end it all. But talking will usually make you realize there are options in the world that you have you never thought of. You will get support to get through tough days. You aren’t as terrible as you believe you are.
I hope you can live too. Just get through the day and do what you can. Don’t push yourself. Getting through is an accomplishment in of itself. I hope you genuinely feel better soon.
2 comments
Reading this post really helped me realize that things get better, even though it feels like your world is crashing down. Thank you for posting this. I deal with anxiety, depression, and an eating disorder so I really felt that there was no reason for me to live. But now I am realizing that getting help will really help. Once again, thank you for posting this! Stay strong. xx
Waitingaround, today there have been a plethora of interesting and beautifully-written posts and yours is right up there with the best. First of all, my recommended reading, lol, would be White Raven’s post, written very recently. You’ve quite possibly already read it.
I really like the fact that you have ended your post on a positive note, and reached out to others who are suffering. Here at SP those of us who try to support others are ‘wounded healer’…people who have been, or are even still going through the shit themselves, so therefore know that of which they talk, and are in a better position to help others.
I recently posted ‘Stories of Hope’, where I asked people here to consider writing and reading about what has helped them, or how they have survived suicidal impulses and ideation. There were quite a few positive comments and no really negative ones, so I took that as some kind of permission lol!
I really see a yawning gap here on The Project that more stories of survival and hope are needed to fill. Too much despair can become very wearing and result in compassion fatigue!
The younger posters here would particularly benefit from some guidance in this respect.
So thank you Waitingaround, and know that you are doing much more than just waiting around! Your story is important and could help a suicidal person find a reason to go on, who knows.
Zoe x