I don’t understand.
I’m employed, healthy, and I can deal with people most of the time, but I still don’t want to live. Why? I feel like I don’t even deserve to have feelings like this. That I just need to get over it. I don’t enjoy doing anything anymore. I made plenty of changes in my life, hoping that something might flip the switch and I could enjoy being me. I moved out of my parents, started making new friends, started dating guys again, got a job in the new city, and tried to stop worrying about so many things.
But I still don’t want to live life. Everything just depresses me. Thinking about working for the rest of my life just to save up enough money, or worse not working and asking for help and being alone with myself all day. Going to college and racking up thousands in debt, even though I don’t have a clue what I want to do with my life. Or not going and end up working minimum wage the rest of my life and having my family be disappointed or being jealous of the friends that did get their dream jobs. Nothing interests me anymore, I can’t even write without immediately walking away when I think I wrote something terrible.
I just don’t want to do anything. Sleeping all the time isn’t even cutting it anymore since I end up angry that I slept for 12 hours again. I don’t even want to sleep anymore. I just… don’t want to be. And it scares me that one time I will hate life enough that making myself not be will look so much easier.
4 comments
Dear Jakeke, I have felt all the feelings you mentioned. I have also experienced things like a college career that has failed me and left me owing $60,000. Or the fear of working dead-end jobs, even with 4 different college degrees. I am currently unemployed, living off my fiance who won’t marry me until my financial and legal problems are over. I too, sleep 12 hours a day, and have lost all hope that things will improve in the near future.
I know what you are feeling and thinking. Some days are better than others. One day I will wake up with my whole body aching so bad from the strain, gut wrenching. Other days I gather enough strength to actually get dressed, shower and look for the job that may never be there again. So I understand about wanting to leave. I too don’t have anyone to talk to, only my fiance, but I don’t want to drive her away.
The only thing I can say with certainty is that the reason why things are so bad is one indication that we are living in the last days of this world, and our demise may soon follow anyway. So you won’t have to do anything to yourself. The prophecies indicate that the generation that was born around 1900 is the “last generation” that would not “pass until the end comes.” The few remaining are about 112 years old now. And the most anyone can live now is 120.
So, if you can possibly hang on, like me, for a few short years, you may get to see the end of this corrupt system of things that is “ruining the earth” for you and me. After that, God promised to bring a righteous kingdom government that will turn the earth into a paradise. And cause his “will to be done on earth as is done in heaven.”
I hope this helps you find enough reason to live another day. Like me.
Don’t you enjoy what you do? It’s the good with the bad.
to tell you the truth, i think sleeping too much even just to get rid of stress isn’t a good thing ethier, cause it kills you to know your wasting time snoozing around. if you truly are sure there is nothing else in the world that makes you feel more enjoyed, try to work on something that makes you feel like your acomplishing somethin. even if its extemely little. thats how i make myself feel a bit better
I can understand how you feel; I know everyone has different stories, different feelings, different thoughts. However, I think many of us feel that despair, that hopelessness. You can fool yourself sometimes into thinking what you are doing is productive, distracting, but then the thoughts start developing again. “What’s the purpose of doing x?”
I used to love my job (teaching and IT), I can’t stand it now. You would think that teaching has a purpose, but even the kids ask “what are we learning this for, what’s the point..”
I have two children, only a couple of more years before they can be independent, that’s a purpose to stay alive, but it’s not enough nowadays. I thought I could ride out those years, but everyday is a struggle.
Bed is a haven, I don’t want to get out, no one can hurt me if I stay there. No it’s not the best way to survive, but somedays, it’s the only way to make it to the next.
I’m not going to tell you to hang in there, that it’s going to be alright, we all have our path to follow and our pain to bear until we’re totally lost and can bear the pain no more. Good luck with your path and I hope you find your way out, whichever path you take.