alone forever

Hi,this is my first post as in such . I am nineteen years old and am a male. I have always hated myself since god knows when .I am 6 foot tall and people call me ugly and fat and incapable to have a girlfriend.I always felt shy around people and I always go by the motto ” I dont give two hoots what other people thinks of me”. I have so called “Friends” who smile and laugh at me and say stuff around my back and people use me to do stuff for them. Its as if I am their puppet. My mum and dad aint helping my current situation either.They compare me acadamically to other people especially my younger brother who with a stroke of luck got into a med school and all of them call me a retard and stupid,it always got into me even though i pretended that i let go of them. Sometimes I think I am stupid and a retard and always wondered if I was a mistake.I according to them am “the worst investment this family made”.I started getting sick of this tired life since the start of teens. I dont talk to girls much and I feel very worried when am around them . Do I look nice and then I keep repeating to myself that am fat and way too ugly to even talk to a girl .Sometimes I pray to god to just end it .I tried commiting suicide by taking 3 or 4 panadol tablets back when I was 12 which now I know isnt enough dosage to it being lethal .I really dont want to kill myself but I always contemplate of dying indirectly. I feel am a burden to the family and the community. I dont want to kill myself as in directly but I always nowadays feel like or getting hit by a car ,trying swimming in a lake ( i dont know how to swim),touching electric wires or even drink some carcinogenic substance without me being written off in the post mortem as having commited suicide and I want it to look like an accident without writing any letters without adding suffering or shame to any of my parents.I dont want anything .I always dream of now beign stck on my own in a desert island without anyone living in it and dying there peacefully with no disturbance.We only live once and whats the point if the once feels like a lifetime of hell and suffering .