I do not fit to this world. This is my conclusion after over 25 years. Everyone sees me laughing, doing stupid things to be the funny guy in the band, always a joke to say. But nothing of this is real, i don’t care of people, of things, of life.
All my life I thought making other people laugh will make me happy but it’s not even close. I am popular, yes, got friends calling me every days to discuss of their super lifes, and I keep saying “nothing new on my side, it’s all cool, the bloody routine”. I am tired of this, tired of lying, tired of beeing on this earth, I do not belong here. A feeling I have since I am young. Nothing interests me, nothing gives me fun. It’s like inside me there is just a back hole.
Since years I am thinking of a way out, but unlike most of depressives, I do not have courage. I am born without. I cannot inflict to my body any kind of voluntair arm. Every day I pray for something deadly to happend to me. But I am tired of waiting. I found out what I will do. Simply crash my car into a wall. Friends and family know I drive like someone who lost his mind. They won’t even think I did a suicide. Problem solved.
Sorry for my bad english, I am french.
4 comments
Frenchy,My son took his life in April. He has left us all in terrible pain. He really was the light of my life, and I am lost without him. I know he must have felt terrible pain and despair. And I know you do, too. I wish that I could hold you and help you. I am here and you are there. But please, I beg of you, talk to someone who loves you. Give this person a chance to guide you and help you through this darkness. You can find happiness. You can get help through therapy and medicines. I just ask that you hold on a few more days and talk to someone who loves you. Please do this for me. My son truly had everything to live for and deserved to do so many things. You do, too. I am on your side.
sometimes there’s a black hole inside me too.
I feel it in my chest, close to the heart.
when that happens, it literally brings me down to the floor.
I curl up in fetal position, and cry.
Frenchy, I saw your post when I did a quick Internet search, and logged in just to let you know you’re not alone in feeling you don’t fit in here–that you haven’t fit in perhaps all your life. I don’t know the particulars of your history, though I’d be glad to learn if you’re comfortable sharing. But I very often feel what you’ve described so well.
At 25 it seems you gave things a jolly good go, I’m sorry that you feel bad and I understand what its like to be unhappy with your life and want to exit. I wish you a peaceful time.