 i don’t know why i came to this site. i’m not actually reaching out for help. After comming here and reading a few of the postings though i couldn’t help but share.
 About 10 months ago i started having problems at work. my job was as a vendor for a rather large well known company, which serves grocery stores, restaraunts, ect. (please pardon my lack of proper spelling and grammer) The company required us to write shift notes for the weekend person covering our shift so i had complete documentation of everything our customer, the company itself, and/or i needed done. Over the course of 7 months the managment team refused to come into my accounts and see first hand what i was refering to as unacceptable. i’d worked there for over ten years with never anything less then a really good review, so i was a bit dismayed by their lack of concerns. i put in my two week notice, several times and finally said that if they didn’t come see me in my accounts by summer, i was going to have to quit. Summer came and quit i did. i decided that i’d give writing a try and wrote a couple short stories, hoping to make a go of using my imagination. (my imagination runs rampant on it’s own, i just wanted to put it to good use as it normally just gets in the way.) i didn’t really expect a whole lot of support from friends and family, but i did at least expect them to read what i wrote. Nobody did, not only did they not, but they abandoned me. Now this is the personal part of me, seflishly coursing through my me. I wrote this first because i’ve allways been among the happiest person in the room at any givin time. i allways had somewhere within that i could go and hide. i’m also an alcoholic, a thing which some of you will be able to attest to, which continually gets worse and worse. i have smoked marijuanna, many times, and it usually brought me a feeling of joy. Alcohol however seems to plague me with black-outs, personality degredations, feelings of superiority in battle, (which when one takes on the whole bar, one would have to be a supermanish kind of superior for that to have any truth) and the dreaded hangovers and withdrawls; which i get with about 3 drinks. When i decided to write the stories i seemed to have tore down a wall with which i used to be able to hide. Now lets take a look at what depression is. It’s a very real thing, not a mental one, but a chemical imbalance within us although it can be brought about by things outside of us and often is. Some of us are predipossed to having a dominence of that which causes saddness, i’m not one. i have within me a feeling of a closeness to life, all life, not just us humans. This sense of togetherness has been with me from the time of my childhood, perhaps before age 4 but at least then, and it carried itself all the way into adult hood. 1 month after i quit my job, a large parcel of land, owned by my grandparents, and aunt and uncle, (all now deceased) was sold by my cousins. i got to spend my summers there as a child, with my sister and grand parents, as well as her children, my son, my cousins children ect, and hoped it would go on at least for another 1000 years. They decided to sell it, even though as a group, they owned it, because they wanted the money more. i think nothing of the money compared to the memories of the people lost; memories made more real and much more shareable by the very phisical presence of the land which had been sculpted by those two former genreations. The realisation that their memories would be forever lost to our family led credence to the idea that the family was no longer a whole. Now then, this was where i’d run and hide, when things got too bad. These were my happy places, now laying scattered, wasted amoungst trivial nonsense which i cannot fathom. This was my me, and how i kept my me in a happy state, even as humanity ruined itself before my eyes. Now, when i know there are too many people living in excess; too many creatures paying for our greed; too many enviroments forever changed and changing; too many humans living without access to their basic needs; while living in a society that values money, wealth, drugs that kill, (alcohol) and excessive showing of ones fortunes, (think of mansions, yachts, vacation homes, etc; i find i have no place left to hide. Something in me changed and it changed in a rather profound way. i can’t muster up the nerve, will, or whatever it is that i need to have to try and fit back in. i have no more desire to work then i have a desire to smash my thumb with a hammer. It just isn’t there. i can’t fit in anymore and be truthful to myself. i can’t go on consuming as a consumer in a society that seems hellbent on it’s own demise. i look around and see trees, plants, animal, insects, reptiles, other forms of life, and even the planets themselves and can’t help but think; “Mankind is going to take it all”
i can’t find it in myself to realign myself and change myself to fit back in. i wont do it. And what brings me to post here is that i know what it means. i have to change myself, live a lie, and join in our own demise whilst condeming the rest of life to it’s own destruction, or i will die. i feel like this is the truth because of a self held belief that if you don’t fit in to society, they wont let you survive. There is neither a limit to how much any one man can own nor a limit to how much any one man can go without. This is what fills me with dispair. All of this leaves my me full, with no room for happiness. Now i lose my temper in seconds and never feel like i’m far from crying. Thinking about it now, i wonder if that’s whats missing. Although i know my worlds still crashing down. i wont have enough money to last out the year and i live in a country where you need money to survive. The problem for me is finding the will to care. i want to help life, to protect it from mankind, but i know i can’t. i want to tell people that they’re living all wrong and that happinaess comes from within and not from aligning your space with stuff. i know a grim truth though. Most people will just keep on living their lives like it’s all someone elses problems. We will eventually have to change, as a species or the whole of known life will fail. That’s what’s at stake. i find it all extremely overwhelming and wish, pray, and demand to be let from this world.   …but everday i reawake… and i wonder why. I wonder, like many of you do, why do i have to suffer more. Why do i have to live thier way. Why doesn’t anyone else feel the way i do. Why are they all staring ahead, blindly following each other off the cliff while all the while destroying everything in thier wake? Where does it all end. When does it all end. but it doesn’t. We just keep marching along, whistling our tune, shining our medals and boasting of our deeds. We’re already dead but haven’t stopped moving around.
But, we’re not alone. You’re not alone. I’m not alone. We just aren’t standing close enough to see each other. Even though i see everything around me that pertains to me falling apart i know i’m not alone. i see it in peoples eyes and see it on t.v. i hear it in their songs and see it in their art. Humans have thier day, the rest of life doesn’t get that same respect. If you find yourself overwhelmed by the lack of humanity in those who you surround yourself with, find a place where you can be with nature. It can be a desert, a forest, a lake, even a puddle. Find that life and try and understand what it’s doing. It’s just living. Food, water, shelter, and a mate when it needs to reproduce. We as humans have no real need to reproduce. Theres plenty of us here already so you shouldn’t let that dominate your thought. Food, water, and shelter are importent, but then there is that whole needing someone or something to share with. We do need friends, for sure and alot of our deppression comes from feeling cut off from both friends and family. Thats why i suggest finding those other forms of life. We aren’t often taught that we and they are one and the same, but we are. The earth is a rather large place, when one veiws it from the ground-out; but when one consideres it’s place amounst the cosmos, it’s an extremely isolated place. We’re alone out here on the edge of the milkyway, at least as far as the populace can tell. We all live here together, us hominids, plants, other mammals, fishes, and well, you get the idea. We all have a life force too. It’s when we as humans think of ourselfs as surperior to other forms of life in that we have souls and they don’t, that we forget our similarities. i for one do not believe that any form of life has less or more of a chance of having a soul then any other form of life. i don’t buy it for a second. i’ve spent too much time alone with nature, obsurving animals morning their dead, rejoicing in thier offspring, enjoying thier games, and overall just living their lives, to think any different. If mankind were to be the sole heirs to the world, as so many believe, then we’re squandering it away. Take time away from your pain, those who’ve hurt you, those things that trouble you, your needs, your desires, and immerse yousrelf in the other forms of life that surrounds us. Maybe you’ll be able to lose yourself in such a task, long enough to find better times. Maybe you’ll find whats missing. It’s worth a shot, this may be the only chance you get to experience the earth. Even if, (as some religions preach) we did get another chance, it wont likely have the same diversity of life, the next time around.
3 comments
Hey there, you are right there are people out there. I just wanted to let you know that there are writing groups, creative writing groups, and even courses that you can take in either a university or community college that focus on your writings and typically no one will laugh at you because they are writers just like you.
Keep writing there is nothing wrong with it. If it helps you and you enjoy doing it, continue doing it. If you need someone to read your writings send them to me, and I can read them and give you input. I don’t mind. I would actually love to because it would give me something to do.
i would enjoy reading some of your work. i am a writer myself. and hunny, if someone laughs at your work let them. truthfully the writer is the only one who knows what it truley means. its your peice of art. and every reader interprets the story diffrently. as i writer many people have made fun of what i write about but i have had many times where people have cried of happyness. you connect to diffrent people. and beleive me you will have alot of people that will not like your work but you just have to smile and take it. a great writer will never let a person take them down. write how you want to write and what ever topic you like! if thats what helps YOU sleep at night then write about it. as a writer it is not what sells its who it sells too c: email me if you like and we can probably share some work. id love to be able to discuss your ways of writing and give you some tips. so here is my email —>> forever.lost17@hotmail.com
You are right when you said we are not alone; we are just not standing next to each other. A very good post, thank you.