People tell me my life is just beginning, that I’m in my prime and that its all about to begin. Others tell me that in order to be happy I need to make it happen, they say that I need to reach out and take those risks to make my life what I want it to be. But it’s not that simple. There aren’t many options in the society I live in and because I try avoid judgement and be perfect for everyone, I find it very hard to take those steps into making my life the way I want it to be.
I’ve wanted to kill myself for a while now. I can’t stand the world I live in. I sometimes feel like I’m the only one who realizes that we’re living for no reason at all. There are only so many things that humans can do and I feel like as soon as they’re done I’m going to feel worse than I already am.
I try to think positively and I try to not care what other people think but I just can’t do it. And after living now for so long I can’t stand being so scared of people seeing the real me. For example I love to sing but I can’t sing in front of people because I’m too scared that they’ll go judging me behind my back. I realize that I go behind other peoples backs and ***** about them too but the thought of someone judging me… I just can’t handle it.
And then there’s that other dilemma. I have an amazing boyfriend, however I just don’t think he’s my type of guy. When I think of myself in comparison to him I realize that we don’t have much in common and are quite different people. I judge him for this and I never have enough confidence to do some of the things that he wants to do because I think they’re stupid and embarrassing things and that others will judge me for doing them because I certainly know that I would judge them if they were in my position.
I believe in a lot of my own things, reincarnation being one of them. I want to die so I can hopefully move on to a better life and find something new, but what if it ends up being the same as this? And then there’s that other little thought that pops up in my head every so often. I should appreciated the life that  I have now, because I might never get it again. I know I should but the only thing I’ve ever wanted was to live the life I have always dreamed of living. And as my young life keeps ticking away and nothing is happening, I being to wonder whether I have wasted my young life, not taken the right paths and not having the will power to work hard enough for the things I really want.
I just want the life that I have imagined for myself. I want to loose those couple of kilos that I have struggled to loose my whole life. I’m not sure whether to break up with my boyfriend or not. I don’t want to get so attached to what I have and not be able to move on to new things easily. I want to stop wanting to kill myself. I want to stop thinking these thoughts all the time and simply live happily. But I just can’t.
15 comments
dont let other people control the outcome of your life. not sure of your age but you sound young, and being young means being confused. happiness truly is out there. i know what you mean about society making it hard. trust me i live in a very violent city. try not being so nervous. if you like to sing, sing for you. not for the world. make life work for you. if you and your boyfriend dont have much in common, try getting into what he likes or show him what you like. if not, try and move on. and if you cant, you dont always need a significant other to find joy in life. also try speaking to a doctor. on average depression is due to a chemical imbalance. but there is always something to do trust me.
Thanks for your advice, your probably right I should learn to not care what others think, its just so hard to do this. But I’ll give it a go, maybe it will make me value life more.
you are most welcome. i know how hard it is, it feels like we need to get along with every person and we should… its just a pipe dream though. the only time i care what people think is when its my loved ones opinions. as far as strangers go, fuck them what do they know. do what makes you feel good as long as it doesnt harm people. but i feel alot like you do. i always try to be positive yet i feel like i want to die. i believe in reincarnation also. but just keep on.
I always try to keep myself busy at nights because I can’t stand it when I’m alone. Its not that I need someone else’s company, its just that when I’m alone I start thinking about all this shit and it makes me want to hurt myself and end my life. Sometimes I just wish that I didn’t think these things. I wish I could be oblivious to it all, but somehow, something decided to let my brain torture me with questions about why I should live. I just wish it would go away.
i know exactly what you mean. my best friend in the whole world just died, and out of all times to moveout, my fiance makes it this one. so being up all night lonely i’ve found this website. i dont have facebook or twitter so i never communicated with people i didnt know. but i kind of enjoy this and has been keeping me some company considering i dont sleep. yeah i hate how sometimes the dumbest people can be happy. i feel like the more i know the more depressed i become. i wish it would go away. my brain asks the same question.
“Six men carried his coffin and put him six feet in the ground
While I stood six feet over in a black suit lookin down
Thinking why was I chose to survive and bear these memories
Fucking with that dirty game death is always the penalty”
I totally agree with you when you say the more you know the more depressed you become. Its like being sucked into a whirlpool and never getting out again. I found this website tonight as well. I can’t sleep either, I just really needed someone to talk to i guess. i hate feeling like this.
I’m so sorry for your loss. And your fiance doesn’t deserve you. I’m sure your such an amazing person and don’t think your not because you’ve made me feel so much better.
yeah but then again sometimes i find stuff that makes me want to live. mostly music and movies. but still theres always little treasures in the big dumpster (life) i found this website on saturday and basically havnt got off. im a hopeless romantic, people are always telling me i can do better but i cant help it. we’ve been together 6 years and lived together most the time. we are still together but its just been rocky. thanks a ton you made me feel better too. you saying that is like the reasons i live for.
My sadness is better now than it used to be. I used to constantly listen to music because I couldn’t stand the world around me. Music was my only escape. Don’t get me started on romance. I swear one of the only reasons I live is to find someone and be with them. I might sound stupid but I also want to find other life than whats on this earth. I’ve always wanted to try and find more than what we have. I’ve always wanted to prove to myself that life can have endless options and things to do and find out. Plus the not knowing kills me. I want answers but I think I’m also to scared to find out in case the outcome is bad.
my sadness improved this weekend alone which is great. i still constantly listen to music. how can you “used” to????? ayy romance. i think i’ve tried everything in the world to be romantic. i feel like that too, like my purpose in life is to serve. i dont think thats stupid. i think thats interesting about life and all that. i love reading on stuff like that. but im “sure” there is life somewhere else. i honestly think it is ridiculous to try and believe we are all the exists in an infinite universe. that is pretty farfetched and cannot be proved.
Oh trust me I still listen to music tones, but I had to reduce it because otherwise I was going to go deaf. Yeah life has to be somewhere, its just not possible with a universe so big to not have another planet with living things on it as well as us. I hope everything works out with your girl. Have you talked to her about this stuff? I told my boyfriend a couple of months back now only because he pretty much forced it out of me. Whenever he asks me questions about it, it takes me at least 5 minutes to respond. I just sit there because I can’t believe that someone else knows about the problems I’m facing. I’m glad that he knows because I stop harming myself because he doesn’t want me to do it, but the fact that he knows my secret makes me feel weak.
ok good. yea my hearing is bad. ive performed 100s of times and been to 1000s of shows (grindcore shows leave you deaf for days) yeah i hate when people are like “centillion miles of universe and we are all that breathes” its like come on how do you know. i hope things work too. i have talked to her regarding this stuff, she just never really knows what to say. im terminally ill so its hard for her to be like “at least you got your health.” i once had a girlfriend with suicidal tendencies, its hard. she was a cutter. if he cares he will force it out of you. its tough to speak about it cause you start to feel like you are talking about it to get attention when in reality you arent, its just confusing cause they can say one thing but you cant help but feel they are thinking something else. its just hard cause you know you are just killing them inside and it makes you want to die, and then you feel bad cause you made them feel the way you do. its just confusing. so taking 5 minutes to think about what you are gonna say is good rather than a flight of words kind of thing. dont feel weak about him knowing your weakness. it should strengthen the relationship.
yeah your totally right. I never tell anyone anything because I feel like they’ll think I’m just doing it for attention. He asked me about it and it took me so long to respond. I just build up this wall when people start talking about this stuff to me. I just go all numb. He was more emotional about it than i was and it made me feel guilty because I didn’t want to worry him.
yeah its nothing you want to discuss because in reality you are fighting yourself in this internal brain battle that you want to win (since you are still here) others will always be more emotional because they are the ones losing you, and they feel to blame. if they love you they will worry. its just human nature, no way around it. its normal to feel guilty. but if you are working on it dont feel so guilty. as long as you are improving and not relapsing you should feel the opposite of guilty. feel some pride, dont be ashamed.
thanks, you’ve been such a great help. I hope everything gets better for you. I’m sure it will, your so amazingly helpful. I don’t know what I would have done without your advice. You’ve made me feel so much better. good luck.
you’re welcome. and thank you for writing me to begin with and actually listening. i always always try and try to help but most people just wanna hear what they wanna hear. things will get better for me. maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow. but im glad i did something to help. i am always here to help. if you ever need any more help i’d be glad to email or whatever. anything to help people feel better.