Life is hard. And most of the time I can’t take it anymore. I’m not saying my life is the worst but I’m not saying its the best either. On the outside to my closest friends and to family I seem fine, okay. A happy go lucky girl thats enjoying her teenage years. A girl who smiles an laughs a lots. A girl that can hold her own and can never be beatin or brought down. I seem strong. But the real me, the real me is weak. A weak scared confused girl. A girl who is so use to faking her happiness she forgot what it really is like to be  truly happy. This smile I have on everyday is fake, as much as it looks or seems real it’s not. I may seem like I’m not beatin down but trust me I am. I’m broken. By who? by myself, by society. I’m slowly eating myself alive. I mean yeah no one said it was gonna be easy, but no one told me it was gonna be this hard. Every night I think about death. And how I want to take my own life so bad, how i want to leave all this behind. I want to leave. To be gone. To be free. Free from the judgement, the hatred, myself. Yeah my “friends” and family will be devastated and have a hard time recovering. But they’ll eventually live with it. With the fact that I’m gone. There strong they’ll cope just fine. I don’t see the point of trying anymore, the point of talking, the point of breathing. I’m just done. I mean I don’t understand why I don’t just do it, I guess I still have a little hope left that things will magically be better or maybe I’m just scared of what would happen if I failed. Im tired. Tired of trying to act like someone I’m not. Tired of fighting between life and death. Tired of always crying. Tired of having these crazy thoughts run in my head. Tired of living. Tired of all the pain.Â
2 comments
what you wrote describes exactly how i feel pretty much everyday all day. it’s absolutely exhausting, irritating, painful, annoying, depleting – and every other adjective that describes all around suckiness. sometimes i try to understand why i can’t just end it all and move on – it’d be easier.
but you don’t seem like the type that would take the easy way out. after all you havn’t yet.
its okay to put on your mask for the outside world. i do that too. you need to be able to vent out your real emotions though instead of bottling them in. this post is a terrific start.
no it isn’t a “happy” post but noneof them really are, are they? the important thing is that you’re still here.
keep strong.
“You are stronger than you seem, braver than you believe and smarter than you think.”
We all wear that mask. I do. Stay strong….one moment at a time. Write. I think it helps. Leave your pain and sadness on these pages.