New to this place

Hey there. Was going to use a fake name but it’s too much effort so you can just call me Kurea. She’s a character from a japanese anime i like.

I found this site on google. I can’t even remember what i was searching for. “What’s the point in living” or something similar i suppose. But i found it and it intrigued me. Not alot interests me these days, maybe it’s the idea other people feel the same as i do. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone though, not even my worst enemy.

I guess we’re all depressed here. Well so am i. It’ll be 6 years this christmas.

6 years, 2 suicide attempts (technically 3 but one doesn’t really count because i got so drunk i puked the pills up), countless scars, upwards of 10 trips to the doctor’s office, 3 separate councellors, 0 remaining friends and 1 question. Why the fuck am i still here?

I was only 15 when it started. Came on so suddenly i had no idea what happened, one minute i was upset and freaking out and next minute i realised i’d blacked out and i’d self-harmed. Cuts up and down my forearms. Then there was a period of maybe 10 months where i was doing it every day because woah look at this it makes me feel so much better. Then i got caught. Then i was the attention seeking emo kid. My family threatened to report me to social services because they couldn’t control it. I was terrified of being put in a home and it scared me into stopping. Not for long, just long enough for it to die down and then i just did it somewhere less noticible.

Anyway enough about the past. I’m 21 now and i’m suicidal. Again. It never really goes away if i’m honest, i spend most of my life daydreaming about it. I sit in class (which i’ve lost all motivation for, but that’s another story), and i just think about the impact my death would have. Not on friends, i don’t really have any. There are people i’m friendly with, but no real friends. I’ve always been pretty introverted, i keep to myself mostly. I have one penpal halfway across the world and i honestly think he’s the only one that gives a damn. I daydream about what my funeral would be like, how i’d probably leave a note about which songs they should play. Music is a big thing to me. Music and reading. They’re my two lifelines. There was a song that played at my father’s funeral, i don’t know what it’s called, but i’d like that to be played. And then something acoustic, i like acoustic music.

Only thing is, i haven’t the guts to go through with it. I’ve tried, i failed. When you’ve fuck all self esteem to begin with and you can’t even get your own death right, it’s pretty shit. I’m sure other people here know that feeling.

When i was in class today, a girl got a phone call to say her friend had been found hanging from a tree this morning. Poor girl almost broke her heart. I couldn’t help thinking how brave he was to go through with it. Obviously it’s terrible and i really feel for the poor boy, that anyone should have to feel that low. But i couldn’t help thinking about how he was able to finish it. Just like that. When i’ve tried and failed.

I have a blog on another site which i write in most days. I keep the privacy settings on so noone can see it, it’s like a diary of sorts. It scares me looking at it. I update it when i’m really at my lowest and i’ve been in some dark places. It helps to write though, it helps to get it out in words. Mostly because i can’t talk to anyone in person, so it’s almost like i’m talking to the computer. I’ve got a tendancy to rant a bit, don’t mind me. Better filling my mind with nonsense than dwelling on suicide.

I just noticed you can write in different colours. Under the “kitchen sink” button. How odd is that? Kitchen sink.

Right now i feel sick. Things have not been great lately. All i do is sleep, go to class, come home, cry a bit, sleep. I’ve too much time to dwell, but it’s hard filling your time with other things when your mind just keeps going back to it. Then the aching in my stomach comes back, enough to almost make me double over in tears. I’m afraid i’m going to do something stupid. I’ve started cutting again, and every tree i walk past i imagine whether any of the branches are thick enough to support a rope. It’s driving me mad.

I’ve got a new councellor recently though. Shannon. I last saw her last Tuesday. I was supposed to go today but i just lay in bed crying and watching Modern Family. She keeps asking me to go to the doctor’s office and ask for a psych evaluation but i don’t want to. Kind of afraid of what they’d say to be honest. There’s alot of things that would raise red flags with a psychiatrist. I’ve certain compulsions and twitches when i’m upset and anxious, i hallucinate sometimes (mostly visual, had an auditory one recently though and it really freaked me out), things like that. Things i don’t normally tell people but hey, we’re all in the same boat here.

I dunno. I’m hoping this site will be of some use. I like the idea of having other people who are in the same position. Obviously not because you feel the same way, because this feels like shit and i wouldn’t wish it on anyone. But having people who understand how low i feel without being condescending or telling me i need to grow up and sort myself out. That’s the worst thing i’ve ever possibly heard. That what i feel isn’t valid because i’m still only a kid, i’ve my whole life ahead of me and i should enjoy it.

At the minute i’m living 24 hours at a time. Accomplish 24 hours, try for another 24. Rinse and repeat.

Anyway i’ve ranted enough. Again, hi guys. Gonna go explore a bit now. Could be a good distraction.