Who am i?
All of you are thinking it.
“Who is that kid?
The one that killed himself,
I think I’ve seen him before,
But I’m not sure.”
Let me put your minds at ease.
You have all seen me.
Ive always been here.
I’m the kid in the back seat of the class.
I’m the kid that you see eating lunch alone in the hall.
I’m the kid you whisper about as you walk by.
The kid that teachers never punish.
Because they’re scared of me too.
I’ve always been there,
Watching, silently.
Its funny that after only one year,
I’ve already developed my final opinions of you.
There are those of you out there that can rest easy.
My death is not on your hands.
It may not seem like it, but I noticed when you did something nice for me.
Then there are those of you, and you know who you are,
That have to carry this blame with you for the rest of your lives.
Thinking of my approaching death brings a smile to my face.
Because i know that with my death,
You will suffer a tiny fraction of what you put me through.
No matter how much you deny it,
You feel the guilt gnawing at your conscience.
The only reason I have left to live,
Would be to see how you are affected.
It’s unfortunate that i cannot see how my death impacts everyone.
I would like to imagine that something is done about it.
Maybe people will take depression more seriously.
Because if you haven’t noticed, i am clinically depressed.
IT SUCKS BY THE WAY
I believe the term is pessimism.
Where everything seems negative.
Well multiply that by infinity then add suicidal to the mix.
That’s depression when you are treated like i am.
People live with depression, sure.
When they have strong support and constant distractions.
My support is almost non-existent.
And my only distraction is school,
Which is so easy that it isn’t really distracting.
(PreAP my ass)
So my depression was hard enough without all of you making it worse.
Pointing out every flaw i have.
Making fun of everything i do.
Don’t like my jacket?
I wonder if you would like whats under the sleeves.
I think you’d only make fun of that too.
Let me guess,
“Only pussies cut themselves!”
Maybe if people were more sensitive, aware, and understanding
Then the suicide rate would go down.
All of you are in denial about the whole issue.
Take the website I posted this on for example,
A whole community of people post suicide notes.
Did you know that?
I wonder how many follow through on the site,
But still.
A whole website for people like me.
And a whole world for ignorant monsters like you.
Fair?
No.
But i guess that’s life.
And i’m sick of it.
Sick of everything about it.
So, I bet you know the answer to the question now.
Who am I?
In case you can’t figure it out,
-Chris
PS. I am truly sorry to my family. And my few friends. You don’t deserve this. It’s not you’re fault. But I guess i’m just too selfish. I’ve contained myself for years. You knew that i had these problems, but if you never expected this, I’m sorry. It is my time. I can only contribute to the good of this world in death. That seems to be the only way for them to take anything seriously. “Oh cancer? Don’t make fun of that!” But “Oh, you’re such a retard! LOL” I guess if you die, its not funny. So hopefully depression won’t be so funny for these people anymore. I digress… I will miss you. And I will be watching over you. Helping you out, like you helped me. I love you, now and forever.
5 comments
Chris, please don’t kill yourself. You’re wrong when you say you can’t help or be useful on this earth besides being dead. You can make an impact, you’re not the first to think those classmates minds will change, because theyre so many others who think the way you do but guess what? You don’t live for them, you live for you. You live for whatever you have whether it’s family, your favorite subject in school, your favorite food or color. You don’t live for them, you don’t. I need you to realize something, I’m a person who doesn’t know you, or has any impressions of your appearence or that jacket your classmates don’t like. I just have care for you now, I have respect for you as a human being. I now know that you excist and have a genuine good heart. I want to get to know you now and become your friend. I don’t want you to die, and I’m sure theyre others who feel the excact way I do. I need you to listen because I want to help, because I now care about you. I hope you comment back, or maybe you atleast see my comment and react to it and wonder about your choice and by the way my name is Serena, I’m 14 years old. I’m a freshman in highschool, how old are you? 🙂
You still seem very young. I was just like you at school, I used to be a loner… not in the sense of the guy who has 1 or 2 friends, I had nobody I even knew at school or in my neighbourhood and I’d go days without talking to anybody, I haven’t had friends since I was 13 and I’m 19 now. Right now is still a very early stage…. and things can change very easily, now that I even think about it… my time at school was actually pretty good compared to being in the real world, despite all that went on.
Take it from me man (woman?). Im 26, ive been where u are. These people don’t care about you and will not feel sad by your death. Don’t kill yourself for that reason because it is the worst. Ihope I am not being too blunt. The only people who will suffer are the ones that care about you, the very ones you don’t want to hurt.
I have to say I agree with Blizzard. Don’t kill in order to get back at your tormentors. Not a good reason for suicide IMHO. You are clearly very bright. High school can quite easily be the worst time you will ever have to face. College or Uni may be another kettle of fish entirely. Don’t let the jerks win. Zoe x
your anything but a ***** hun , i take pills all the time … I was bullied and beat up because i am bisexual , i used to have it but one little thing took it all away , i never really got to tell you that … so im scitzophronic and not clinically stable enough to be in school anymore after an accident involving me screaming in the middle of class and having a mental breakdown , i see things that are not there and i hear voices all the time , they are constantly around , they tell me im nothing , and im crazy , and that i should be locked up …. And the life average for schizorphrenic people is 13-15 so im only expected to live 2 more years …. im 13 so who knows what could happen … The other kids would call me crazy and some beat me up one time when i walked home from the bus stop … the hit me and told me i was crazy, and a psycho and they were 3 girls … im am utterly terrified of older girls … i freeze whenever they are around … i figured since i couldn’t tell you then … i can tell you and get it out to the world at the same time.. Love and hugs – Lydia Rose Diecidue