The end seems so close but so far away.

I have the similar issue trying to find that happiness we all seek. At one point in my life I realized that my desire wanting to be happy led to my own demise. So for a couple of months I blocked all those feelings and just took what life is in front of me and miraculously it worked. Now that the time has passed so quick I suddenly fell again to the thoughts of my desires without noticing that it was leading me back to a depression. I just wanted to be happy too unfortunately I ended up in a mental hopital and was on medications. Tonight I found myself talking to myself, asking why everything is going in the wrong path. Then I felt soothing talking to myself by analyzing all the events that have occurred and thinking a solutions to maybe fix it before its really too late. I hope you find a way to your question. I can never be in your shoes. Tonight I was thinking of what should I write on my suicide note and finding ways how I can kill myself even though I own a rifle, in the process I found this website. While reading some of the post in here I noticed that we are not alone in this struggle. Maybe my thoughts of killing myself will be back stronger later and its a feeling of helplessness. Its good to hear that you still have reasons to not do it, my advice is keep going and carefully make choices along the way so you don’t fall back like where I am at right now.