Ever lived my life or spent on minute in my shoes? No! Well then please, tell me why you judge me like you do. Life is a dream upon which death awakens us… Not all dreams are good… not all dreams are bad… Do you want to wait for one’s death to understand or to care?
Each day everyone of us face many obstacles at almost every walk of life. Sometimes it’s hard to explain. We go through stress, anger, hurt and pain. There’s moments of sadness, frustration, and even depression. Sometimes we feel incredibly insane. Then there’s moments when some of us feel like giving up and going away. As humans, we each handle things differently. For some of us, we consider suicide as our only way. We constantly try to hide ourselves behind the things we do and say. Living a lie.
Problems, yeah sure, I’ve got plenty. I’m full of anger, fear, heartbreak and insecurities. Even though they don’t seem such a big deal to you, they are rocking my world and I could use some support! Most days my life is one big hell of a soap opera. People often look at me, drama queen they say. But hat they don’t know is I’m fighting in a secret war. Judgement without even knowing what I’ve been through, but with the most sincere regret I do. I cry each night, until finally I’m ready to give up the fight. Seconds, minutes, hours slowly pass. Days seem to just roll right on by. Yet my problems don’t seem to move an inch. It seems like with step I take I sink further and further into the quicksand.
Somewhere I’m an ordinary girl that’s trying like hell to live life right. Constantly waling alone in this silent misery. Deep down inside I’m so broken up, but I’ll never let anyone see the tears that I cry. Living in this dreadful nightmare. Somewhere I lead a double life and I never let anyone see what’s really bothering me. I’m living a life of shame. Trying so hard to make a good impression, so I hide my depression. Yet, there’s constant thoughts of suicide, no matter how much I try to push my tears aside. Here I am asking you to care. Even though I act like i don’t care I’m secretly hoping that you’ll be there.
I’m always surrounded by so many, yet I’m still isolated and completely alone. When I try to reach out to people it seems like I only succeed in grasping air. Unlike all of them you see, my hands are tied. I want to run, but unfortunately there’s no where to hide. Here I am stuck in this prison I am living in with no one here by my side. Stuck in this cage my master constantly takes their anger out on. Black, black, black and blue. Beat me til I am numb. My tears and cries are all in vain it seems. Darkness has become the only place I am able to cope. As I sit in the darkness of my soul, I search for one last spark. Searching for a reason to continue on dreaming. Yet, the thoughts refuse to come alive.
I GIVE UP! I FEEL WORTHLESS! I HAVE FAILED!
With absolutely no desire left to live in this hell that I am in, all I want to do is die. I’m constantly squeezing every ounce of strength I can muster. I am miserable. With absolutely no strength left- -seemingly destined to live a life like this.
I CURSE MYSELF! I BLAME MYSELF!
There’s complete silence, nothing but tears as I press the blade against my pale skin. Then I see red and blood starts flowing from the wounds I’ve just created. Finally I am able to release the pain that’s been echoing inside of me. Finally there is some relief. Complete satisfaction as I feel the knife slicing into my skin. For I deserve this pain. Sudden anguish after realizing what I’ve just done. But yet i still feel accomplished. In public people stare, but they don’t acknowledge the pain. They are horrified and don’t understand… Well surprise-surprise…Â NEITHER DO I!
For some reason unknown to me, I want to die. To escape life and this hell that I secretly live in. It’s tiresome to want something you don’t have, no matter what that may be. For me it’s love, acceptance… to not be judged. Yet each morning I wake up with nothing but loneliness. Each day I walk in the presence of my own footsteps. And each night those footsteps walk hand and hand with my insomnia.
I feel like there isn’t another option. I’m so hungry with trying to be okay, that I’m constantly trying to fill myself up with it. I’ve never had a sense of stability, peace, relief, or freedom; it’s something I desperately want. I want to find the ability to sit still in Gods light. To know and to trust that everything will be okay!
1 comment
i care.
i don’t know you, but i care.
you probably don’t believe me but it is possible.
i know what you mean, about feeling isolated, and it sucks, for lack of better words. it feels like everytime i try to reach out and speak to someone, it’s just not as important. it’s not about that ‘cute guy’ or ‘those nails’ so it never matters. you are not alone with feeling like that. there are tons of people around me, and it’s the same for all of them. and each time i consider just giving up trying and sink deeper int my shell. and everytime i try do that, i can’t. there’s always someone who needs help, so i try to give it, but that’s all it is. it makes me feel empty. i get it and i understand.
know that some things that are unbearable to you are bearable for others, so be aware that it’s not entirely their fault for not getting it.
next time you feel like cutting, think about this:
does it actually really help?
or is it me that deluding myself to think it, out of desperation?
you say it helps, letting all your worries and anger out, but aren’t there other ways for that? boxing, running, writing, drawing -heck even cooking, whatever you try, if it fails, try something else.