So I guess life is about finding a partner to share your life with, being the partner for somebody and building a life on a relationship, maybe having a family. Sounds nice. Sounds like something I’d like to achieve.
So my life should be about perfect. I just got two A:s so I’m a good student, I live together with my bf and everything seems good.
Let me just say.
Fuck this shit.
Two of his friends came over today. The other one offered me some candy and I said “well… thanks.” What did my bf say? “You don’t have to be such a moodkiller.” Yeah. A moodkiller. And yes, he could be making some jokes but seriously, who’d come up with something like that if he didn’t actually think that of me?
He once said “don’t put that hat on, you look like a fisherman.” As a joke, yeah, how did he come up with that if he didn’t think that? And it doesn’t end there. There’s always, I mean always, something fucking wrong with me. I never said “that hat looks stupid” even though it really does. I only said “you look better without.”
So I guess, if I’m such a thing to be always ashamed of, how come he can say that he loves me and wants to be with me the rest of his life? How could he love me if he didn’t even honor me?
And if I’m not good enough to be somebody’s girlfriend, what is my life about then? I’m not respectable so nobody can really love me without being ashamed of me, therefore I have no future as a wife or a mother. So I have absolutely no future.
I’m going back to my mums this weekend, then my bf goes to his family so I’m gonna be a few days alone. I think that’s enough for me to take the courage to ends this fucking shit. I may have failed on failing before, but this time I really won’t.
Just fuck this shit.
1 comment
Is it that you’re terribly in love with him and can’t take the insults from him? Or is it more of your own internal lack of self-worth, and feelings of being worthless? From reading your post, I feel like you don’t come across as if you are heartbroken over him or like he’s the only person you ever think you can love. Correct me if I’m wrong, it’s hard to tell what people mean online sometimes. To me it just sounds like you’re with a jerky boyfriend and you’ve taken all of his insults and internalized them to where you feel unworthy now. I would suggest that you don’t take what he says about you so seriously. He’s not the judge of who is worthy or not, especially when he seems to have such bad qualities about himself.