It’s coming back..and memories..

Last year I was suicidal, but it went away. I’m not sure how. I don’t know what I did to make it go away, but I would like to know.  It’s coming back. Suicide is in my head again. Today I was home all day, in my bedroom. No one came inside, no one talked to me. I was crying, not because no one was talking to me, or wondered why I haven’t gone outside, I was crying because it hurts. What hurts? Everything hurts. Not anything physical. Emotional and mental pain. Lately, my parents have been cruel to me. They don’t hit me. I know I haven’t done anything to make them so angry at me. I honestly don’t know why they hate me so much. If I died, would they care? If I wrote a suicide note, saying “I hate all of you.”, would they care? Would they feel guilty? I hope they would. I have so much hatred growing inside of me towards them.

Would my friends care? I remember last year I texted my friend saying, “If anything happens to me, you can have my video games.” He said, “What do you mean? What’s going on?” I was happy. I was happy someone wanted to know what was going on. But I told him nothing was wrong…

There’s only one person who I actually “talked” to about my situation. His name was moises uriostegui. He was a senior, and I was a freshman (remember, this was last year.) I told him what had been going on and he honestly made me feel better, especially at school. He would hug me for the longest time and kiss my cheek. He told me things would get better and they did.

Now that a year had passed, I really thought about how messed up I was. Last year, I had planned out my death. I was to overdose on my bed, hoping that  my family would think I was asleep, never to wake up again.

I thought about all the suicide jokes I made with my friends, saying, “Oh, I’m going to commit suicide now..” They laughed and so did I, but they didn’t know how I wished it was true.

I thought about my possesions. I remember clearly telling my sister that she were to have my PS3 if something were to happen, she didn’t respond, and just shrugged. I also clearly remember telling moises that he would have my guitar, he felt really sorry for me. I clearly remember telling my best friend Paloma Gomez that she can have my DS and bike if something were to happen to me.

She responded, “A DS? Really? A DS. I’d want your guitar, mines lame and crappy, and maybe your PS3.”

I said, “No, Elaine-PS3, moises-guitar.”

She said, “What’s up with you? Why are you acting all suicidal and s***?”

I didn’t reply. I didn’t want to reply to that. I didn’t know what to say.

I don’t know what got suicide out of my head. I think it was video games. I started playing hours of video games. I met new people, oh, they were so nice to me. I had fun. I’m not sure if it was that. I still play video games, but it’s starting to come back.

Why does it come back…