Hi. I don’t have to say why I joined this site, if you have to ask, take a guess. For some of you, you may scoff or say “your life isn’t that hard, get over it” that may be true, but that doesn’t mean that I like my life, that doesn’t mean that I want to stay here. This is me.
So. Hi, just call me Niki. everyone does. I’m a senior in highschool, I’m almost done school, just a few more months, but idk. it’s so hard. pretending to be happy. I’m apart of this team called the go to team, which is ironic because we prevent bullying in our school, I’m not saying I’m bullied, but it’s just ironic for me. I really suck at this whole sharing my feelings thing. but I’m gonna give it my best go.
I feel so empty inside, like nothings there, I mean if you knew me in person you wouldn’t think that, I smile so much and laugh all the time. so if people I knew saw this, they’d be like, No way, this isn’t our Niki, she’s not suicidal. well. maybe I’m a great actress? if people knew how much I really hated myself, they would be astounded.
I want to leave, but at the same time I’m thinking about all the people I’ll be leaving behind and it’s scaring the crap out of me, because I know, I’ve felt the pain after one of my friends committed suicide, and I know how much it devastated me, like it ripped a hole in my heart. I think that’s why I feel like this. I know if I go through with this, my brother will be messed up the rest of his life cause I’m the only one that was ever there for him. my parents will be in a wreck, probably will get a divorce. I’m not trying to say that everything is about me, that’s not what I’m saying at all. but I just know, it’s like a dominoes effect.
My friends. holy crap, my friends will be heartbroken. like my friend S. she’s one of my best friends, and if I commit suicide. she’d die. she even told me, if I died, she would be lost without me.
my friends know me as their live-saver. that I’m perfect and pretty and they wonder why I’m always sad. sometimes I wonder the same thing. but it’s hard to describe, especially hard to talk about. but it’s just… I have SO much weight on my shoulders, I’m carrying around everyone else’s pain. its such a burden. I don’t know how much longer I can last like this.
3 comments
Sounds like you’re under a lot of pressure for one person. And, you are loved. You’ve taken the first step sharing here… Now maybe you should share with one of your real life friends? Sounds like you have a few who care.
You’re not supposed to be superman. No one wants you to be perfect. All they want is for you to be happy.
don’t worry about them, take care of yourself first. let go of that weight, theres a difference between a burden and generosity. these are not your problems, so let them go. when did your friend die? do you think he’d want someone to die along with him? i bet they would hate to see that, just like your friend S. would. If you can fake happiness, you know what it looks like.
My friend died last year, In May, like 6 days before her 15th birthday, and I don’t know, I guess she wouldn’t want that to happen but it just hurts so much everyday not seeing her and talking to her.