When I think about delivering myself there with courage, deliberation and beauty, I realize that it was destiny all along. To be alone and to want to die. That’s my path. And I can’t run from that. With each passing day, I get closer and closer. I just need to finish some of the last steps and then I can go. I can hardly wait for the day.
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Are you not afraid of that moment when you’ll be facing death?
No, not at all. I think death is very beautiful and to become one with that beauty brings me to tears. I’m just afraid of being a coward when the time comes. But no, I’ve thought about suicide ever since I was about ten years old, so I’m very much ready for it.
I’ve always wanted to understand that point of view. But it’s a bit contradictory that you’d be afraid of being a coward when the moment comes since you crave the moment. Is it the pain that scares you?
You write beautifully. I understand this feeling though, but try to stay strong. I feel that same sense of urgency and twisted excitement when I think of leaving, and it’s overwhelming. Even thinking about being gone is such an escape, but do try to stay strong.
Yes, that’s exactly it. If there was a way I could somehow disappear into that void without feeling oxygen deprivation or the horrible, horrible pain that accompanies burning oneself then I would’ve left a while ago. But we have nerves. And well, nerves hurt like hell! I just have to have the courage to see past that and maintain my mind over my body.
Funny… Many people talk about “strong” in terms of hanging on and surviving when really, it takes strength to fight what’s innate in us. Our innate desire is to live. That’s why even when our minds are unconscious, our bodies will go through any and every extreme to get oxygen (that’s why it’s generally a good idea to have a partner with you when performing the exit bag method). It is weak to give in to one’s impulses and suddenly run away from something you’ve been taking seriously [all your life].
My greatest fear is not exactly the pain iteslf. My greatest fear is that the pain will be enough to make a coward out of me and cause me to abandon the most beautiful endeavor I’ve ever dreamed of.