Things are getting tougher

I’ve decided to put off my suicide plans for now for two reasons, the first because of a boy I like which I guess is silly,the second is my mom found my notes and that threw off any upcoming plans.

Living with depression is very hard for me, I’ve tried to understand it but you just can’t it’s unpredictable, sometimes I’m randomly crying and and sometimes I’m crying because work feels over whelming and then there’s the days I spend most of my time sleeping or surfing the internet , and any kind of relationship I had with people is ruined because  I tend to isolate . A few nights ago my mom was talking to me about how she took care of me when I was younger, that’s when I realized that was the last time I was genuinely happy and carefree , so now that I have depression I’m not sure what will happen whether I remain depressed or get better, if I didn’t have depression I picture myself doing something  makes me happy. I don’t remember who I was before I got depression it’s like all the creativity and personality has been locked away and I can’t access it all, for instance I made a bucket list of the things that I used to enjoy doing back in September  and on that list I put that I should draw more often and doing it felt like it was a chore and it wasn’t enjoyable and this used to be something I enjoyed when I get out of school I don’t know what I’ll do I want to follow my dreams but I fall short because  I’ll end up being unhappy I’m envious of those who don’t have depression because they follow their passion and it’s hard for me to just “snap out of it” and move forward I mean I’ve tried but things just feel empty and gray, and everyone around me just seems so happy  because it feels like I’m wasting time and everyone’s living life and mine is passing by

I mentioned in my last post that I liked someone and he’s the reason why I’ve decided to stay at least for now and just to clarify he’s my crush I’ve only met him in school, for most of the day at school I feel down but when I see him I brightened up a little inside but pursuing him is bittersweet because of my depression, I don’t know what it’s like to be in a relationship with depression but I just don’t want to end up pushing him away like I do to everyone else, but I do care for him it’s odd though I’ve never had these feelings for a crush.