What have I become?

Today I picked up a knife and stroked the edge of it. It cut a small line into my fingertip. I asked myself why did you just do that? I didn’t know. I’m not usually suicidal and I definitely do not want to be. My cousin took his own life and it wrecked my family, hurting everyone and separating his mother and father. I guess the reason why was because the past weeks have been rough. Family life is hard because there are few moments of peace and quiet. Everyone is so angry at one another and they yell at me. In school I struggled. All of my friends are so smart to. Compared to their A’s I look stupid. I wish I was smart and didn’t feel like I’m gonna go nowhere in life. Today my bestfriend and I got in a fight and she is mad at me. On Instagram she posted pictures with our other two best friend and said things like we are the 3 best friends I love them, they understand me, all I need is them. At first I was angry but then it just made me cry. It hurts inside when you get left behind. There’s also a boy who liked me before. I was nervous and we eventually drifted apart. Recently we came back to together, talking again over text. He asked me for a picture of my abs so I sent him one, figuring its not bad, it’s not like I’m showing him my boobs or anything. He sent some back so I was reassured that I wasn’t doing anything wrong. Now he ignores my texts and always has an excuse for not being able to come over and hang out. All of the small things really build up.