A war with myself

I have voices. Telling me I’m worthless. Hated. Despised. Ones that want me to die, ones that want to kill me. Every night I dream terrible nightmares of being happily together again with my exes or simply sitting next to and holding the people I’ve lost. My mind makes me see people kill themselves. My mind makes me physically feel what’s going on. Whether I’m being stabbed or drowned or hung. I feel it. Every night. Then I wake up to the horrible reality that they are still gone; dead; hating me; and I’m still alive alone and in pain. My mind distorts what I see in the mirror. My mind tells me i deserve the pain. That i deserve to bleed and writhe. My mind makes me want to lay down and never move again. I’m fighting a war against my own head. And either way I lose.