I am the world to my parents. Everything they do, they claim to do it for me. Maybe it’s an Asian thing. Maybe it’s just a devoted parents thing. I don’t know. I’ve been wanting them to come to terms with the fact that I want to kill myself since I first decided to tell them in April. I hoped that with enough communication, they would understand the amount of suffering I’ve been enduring. Of course, no, they think I need a change of scenery, a change in lifestyle, pretty much a change in everything. Think that that would solve my problems. No. They even flew over from halfway across the world to see me. I couldn’t even treat them half decently while they were there. My mom kept on trying to be ‘helpful,’ I ended up flipping out and smashing everything in my room and stabbing my arm with my keys.
Thing is, I love my parents. They are the sweetest, most caring parents ever. But I can’t live for their sake. My every day is fucking torture. It’s been a full year, since my last episode. It’s been more than 365 days of this. I don’t even know where the year went. Yet they keep telling me living is better, even if it’s complete hell. Like all my friends and the doctors I’ve seen and even majority of the people here. Living is a virtue I can’t seem to escape.
My mom suggested half a year ago when I finally told them that I was suicidal again (I had been hiding it from them for half a year, pretending things were fine.. I didn’t want to concern them or make them unhappy because of me), that if I was so intent on doing it, that our family commit suicide together. My parents have told me how if I killed myself I would make their lives a living hell. So since that conversation to try and make them understand, failed miserably – I shut them out. To avoid them pain, to avoid myself the pain of seeing them suffer because of me.
Yesterday I called my dad to tell my mom and dad I love them. I was set on offing myself after. He kept on telling me how ‘I just needed change’ and that if I killed myself how much their lives would be hell. Now, filled with not only my own suffering but reaffirmed of the grief I am/would cause them – I flipped out and stabbed my arm with an envelope opener. I couldn’t fucking stand it. Damned if I do, damned if I don’t. What a terrible idea it was for me to call. I just wanted to tell them I loved them.
So today, after waking up. I emailed my parents suggesting we kill ourselves on the same day. I wish they were already dead so we could all save ourselves some grief. If I lived close to them and had access to a gun I would seriously consider killing them myself. I can’t bear to make their lives hell, but I can’t bear to live this life either.
I am so sad and incredibly frustrated.
25 comments
I totally understand when parents are like “IF YOU DIE THEN WE’RE GOING TO DIE WITH YOU” just not on the literal spot. If you can not live life no longer and you just have to do IT, then I would suggest to not tell your parents because if you tell them “OH ON JANUARY 12TH I’M GOING TO KILL MYSELF” more than likely they hospitalize you, make you go through painful medications on the way, or, when you’re gone, they’ll feel like shit because they knew you were going to do it and they didn’t do anything to stop it. So, Advice #1: DON’T TELL YOUR PARENTS, but you might as well try to set a date. If you DO do it together, it might be a little weird, because it might hurt anyone else close to you the fact that your entire family commited suicide. And your parents trying to talk you out of it, it happens all the time, but at least – sometimes – it lets you know they love you. And the whole “CHANGE OF SCENERY” should probably stop if it’s not working anymore. You shouldn’t have to expalain yourself more than twice, because they’ll have to get it through their heads that it’s really going to happen, but they may not have much of a chance of stopping it. Hopefully you’ll be around for a bit longer and just LIVE LIFE!!!! Yeah you’re gonna die, so what everyone does, but if you plan on doing it, make the ending more interesting and out there as much as possible. And if you don’t decide to die, I’m glad because 1) ur not dead and 2) you got that chance to live life (if you didn’t already). So, just good luck and always keep trying again, because life will always be full of mistakes.
-TR
My honest answer is that you’re not ethically required to live for their sake since you made no choice to be born. I don’t believe you’re responsible to stay in a situation that was imposed on you.
But there are good things in life and I am glad your parents love you.
One day it will be over even if you do nothing to hasten it. So doing nothing that was is still an option, and you can try to enjoy as many good moments as possible along the way.
That’s just a suggestion.
*that is still an option
I’ve had plenty of good moments. All in all are the good moments worth the bad in comparison? For me, I don’t think so. I am lucky that my parents love me. I just don’t know what to do about them to make things easier for them. I’m not planning on an interesting way out. My way out is the exit bag.
I would try and enjoy life if I could, trust me.
I’ve been at the highs and I’ve been at the lows. The lows are intolerable.
That’s an evaluation I can’t make for you.
I’ve had lots of both kinds actually.
Try staring at people in the eyeballs or maybee your own reflection in the mirror and remember to be really still. It’s amazing how serious your face can get when your suicidal.
I’m not going through life trying to intimidate people.
When I go out, I generally smile and such. Actually mean it too. I don’t want them to feel bad just because I observe very real crappy parts of life they don’t.
I’m sorry, I don’t understand the point of doing that, Helpyouhelpme. Is it just to see how serious I look?
Random, I don’t think anyone was suggesting you were being intimidating.
I know.
I’m just saying that walking around, staring into people’s eyes trying to freak them out, isn’t something I think one should do.
Being sad and letting others see it, well, that seems a little different.
Honestly I go outside with dirty hair not having washed in a week. I could care less if people think I look serious or if I look happy or sad. What the fuck do I care
You care a lot what random people think of you, otherwise you wouldn’t post here. By the way is it here or hear?
here
I do care about a lot of what random people think of me?
Maybe that might be your reason why you post, but it isn’t mine.
Self-expression doesn’t necessitate that I care about how others see me.
I have an innate, biological desire to be accepted by others, and it’s a powerful and oft-present part of my emotional make-up, I am sure.
I mean, I feel it now in various ways, running the gamut from wanting social approval, wanting to appear heroic or smart to others, just liking smiling at someone and seeing them smile back, to wanting requited romantic and sexual love or at least mutual desire and acceptance.
I’m not immune to any of this. It’s there in my heart and in my stomach.
But my mind’s desire for truth has cost me most of that, and cost me my greatest love, and even made me recently give up on sex, my last refuge shallow though it is. Truth really is anathema to relationships, and if you gain enough of it, you even seem to lose an appreciation for relationships and people, at least in my case.
If we’re all social status seeking mating machines, essentially biological robots operating on ancient instincts gained through natural selection and memes randomly taught to us, then what does it matter?
And at the end of the day, the greatest love will almost certainly be overcome by some type of Bayesian algorithmic subconscious calculations made by interplay between our hormonal systems and subconscious minds, for both men and women (although in different ways because egalitarian theories are moronic, if popular).
Once culture was enough to overcome those drives in a lot of cases, but it has splintered. Now, maybe you can have your great love, but it helps to have lots of sexual attractiveness (wealth, power, status, for a man; looks, fertility, youth for a woman) to anchor the person to you sufficiently.
But love for love’s sake?
Not so much. Not like the stories and the poems. Not for me anyway.
Hi JJ,
I’m so sorry to hear that you are in a living hell. You sound like you may have been abused when you was younger? I’m beginning to think that maybe I was as I grew up in foster care and children’s homes and find intimacy difficult. Why don’t you speak to a counsellor or write your doctor a letter? What have you got to lose? Imagine that life could one day be happy. I know that’s a a hard one. Even for me. And I knoe you can’t live a miserable life just for your parents but instead of escaping into a world of suicide, why not come up with imaginative ways to change your persona? I dont know. I’m fucked up myself but I’m not thinking of suicide anymore because I couldn’t bear the people who care for me suffering.
Hi apocalypto, thanks for your suggestions. I’ve never been abused as a child. I’ve had a relatively healthy experience growing up, besides the fact that I moved a lot. I have spoken to counselors and a psych doctor. I saw them consistenly for about 8 months. Also, if you haven’t spoken to me before, I was in grad school to study counseling. I am familiar with psychology and what I need to do to get better, etc. My problem is that I have no desire to get better. No amount of meds or counseling will give me the will to live. If I believed a person can willfully change their persona, I would not be suicidal. The belief that people don’t fundamentally change much, is what has me suicidal to begin with.
Extremely perceptive and intelligent, jj.
And while that is a compliment, it’s also a rueful one. The underlying reality sucks.
Hi again JJ,
Well as you are aware that our negative thoughts mainly contribute to our depression and low moods why not try and try something you would never think of doing? Set yourself small realistic goals. Surely you don’t want to be miserable forever? Lets forget that you want to kill yourself for a moment. I’m trying to find ways so that I can continue and make the best of this life. So far it’s been hard at times, but maybe this is some test? Maybe life and continuing it is the ultimate challenge and not to simply get a good job, a big house and have children? Maybe our challenge is simply to libe until we eventually die of natural causes? You can’t deny that there are things in your life you enjoy? I love music, films, wallking, facebbook scrabble. Pretty boring stuff but these things prevent my mind from thinking negatively if on;y for a few hours. I have to believe that things can get better if we try. I’m passed the holeless stage. I’ve been there since I was 11.
apocalypto, I don’t have any particular negative thoughts, except those that arrive from the conflict of suicide. I’ve never cared about a good job or a big house, and I’ve never wanted children. At best I wanted to have a job helping others, so I wanted to become a college counselor. I used to love learning and doing everything. From glass-blowing to surfing, skateboarding, taking classes like belly dancing, going to raves, dancing in general, playing tennis, going to galleries, music events, going to the beach, crafting, learning new instruments, reading, watching movies. You name it. I wanted to do it. There is nothing I enjoy anymore. I rarely even listen to music. It’s only in the past few weeks that I’ve been able to listen to music at all. I can’t even watch movies. Most of the time I make myself play online games to distract myself from the thought of suicide, and half the time I don’t even want to be playing. I’m not sure if you get the picture of how lively I was, and how devoid I feel of it now. Now my activities at best are showering once a week.
Hi jjgirl;
Are you annoyed by guys who have an Asian Fetish? I know some blue eyed Caucasian guys who would like to mate with an Asian girl. I believe they could produce beautiful offspring.
There’s no reason for this line of questioning, I’m just curious as to what you think.
Do you have any plans for Thanksgiving?
@Lucy, i thought your heart belonged to me. Lol.
Hi Swan; my heart belongs to whoever feeds me. I’m a terribly shallow person. At the moment, my heart belongs to the Oregon Ducks. Go Ducks!
I might disappear for an hour. I still love you, you know that, but c’mon…I have to watch this game.
Lol. I love you too Lucy! Always have always will. Don’t worry, we don’t need to be exclusive. andI will forever be here supporting those Ducks of yours.
Thanks for the compliment, Random. I would easily give away every iota of intelligence I had to get rid of my personality disorder.
Lucy, I am receptive to a wide array of fetishes.
I hadn’t forgot about Thanksgiving.
And if Swan is down, I’m all for threesomes.