I want to die

I want to die.

It has taken me a long time to come to that conclusion.

Why do I want to die? In a nutshell: because I’m in intense emotional and mental pain.

The longer version?……… Life is too much of a struggle. Most things I go after results in total failure and misery. I find it very difficult to relate to people on a deeper emotional level. Conversing with people is an enormous challenge. I wish I didn’t stutter.

It tortures me that I can’t even say my name without stuttering. The look I receive from people when I stutter is extremely painful, so I mostly choose not to speak. Perhaps it makes me seem unfriendly or aloof. Either way, at least I retain some control over other people’s perceptions of me. I tend to not make a good first impression.

If someone does come into my life, I tend to go overboard proving to them I’m a decent person with gifts and ‘being there’ for them. I would rarely even consider burdening them with my thoughts or issues.

People walk all over me, subjugate me, and generally consider me to be beneath them.. Especially gay men. How I wish I was heterosexual with wife and kids. I hate that I’m trapped in a world of self absorption, class and social distincitionism. The few gay men I’ve trusted and let into my life have hurt me badly by their ‘love you one day, move on the next’ behaviour.

Being on the bottom of the class and social pile is painful, especially considering I know I have the intelligence to do much better in the world. But doors close, people shun me, and I’m left feeling alone, unwanted, and unloved. I sometimes think to myself that I should call someone just to have a chat, but then I realise I have to no one to call.

My ‘positive’ traits are traits that aren’t valued in the world. Sensitivity, listening, ‘being there’ for someone, unassuming and quiet. People seem to value large, boisterous egos and a complete lack of thought or consideration for their fellow human being. If I didn’t have my mother, I probably would have ended my life yeas ago. The thought of what my death would do to her stops me in my tracks.

I dream of being dead – snuffed out with no more consciousness of emotional pain – but when my thoughts turn to my mother, I know I couldn’t put her though that.

Perhaps one day the pain and torment inside will become too great and even thoughts of my mother won’t stop me.

I long for that day. A day from which I’ll no longer exist, think,breathe, or hurt. I hope that day comes sooner than later. Sometime walking along the street, I think how easy it would to step in front of a speeding car, or put my neck on a train track. But then I think of the other person driving the car or train. I’d cause them a life time of pain. I want to end mine, not transfer it to someone else.

Perhaps a heroin ‘hot shot’ when I’m alone would be the most ideal solution. Quick,simple, effective. I’d have to find out how to buy heroin. I’m sure it’s not that difficult.

I often dream of getting cancer, or some other terminal illness that eats my body away quickly so I can depart this world without causing the pain to my mother that a suicide would.

Whatever the situation or method, I sincerely hope that I die soon. I can’t face this world, or its people, any longer.