I can no longer stand being alone. I have multiple friends…but I feel alone in this world. I feel like I have nothing anymore, even though I am surrounded by things. But no matter what I cannot do it, I cannot end it all.
I have been feeling like this for years now, and i have been cutting for at least 4 years. And I feel like a cannot be a normal person anymore. Everything I do, everything turns to ruin. I cant do anything right! I ruin peoples lifes, for instance, there’s this boy that likes me, allot. And he tells me everyday. But I’m horrid and I can’t help it! I try to be nice and talk to him, but then I freak and push him away, and I know it hurts him. It happens with everyone, if they like me or I like them. My grades in school are slipping, and no matter what I can’t pick them up. I really don’t know why I’m here, but thats the thing. I can’t die. Not because I’m scared, but because I’m scared for who finds me, what if it’s my mother? Or my little sister? I’m scared of the after effects, what if they blame themselves? I need help! I’ve tried living a lie, but it doesnt work. I’ve tried counselling and that made it worse. Like I said, I can’t do anything right, I can’t even fucking die!!!
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Hello AvoidingReality,
Your name kinda says it all eh? You say that you can’t die…that would not quite be true…some day you will…we all will. Does that cause you any anxiety? Curious.
So if as you say you can’t die…well then perhaps it’s time to get some help…quit avoiding your own reality…and learn to live for a change. Hey…lots of folks do it…not just me…so why not give it a shot? What have you got to lose?
Peace
Amakua
Yeah I guess it does… I know I will and no, in all honesty it causes no anxiety. It’s the thought of people knowing it was suicide.
I’ve tried to get help and that didn’t do anything at all. But I guess you have a point, thanks 🙂
I’ve always thought that everything I came to contact with crumbled and everyone I ever met suffered because of me. And I kept blaming myself constantly, saying “I fail at everything”. But I realized that I’m just not perfect, and though few, I’m pretty good at some things. When life gets hard, like bad grades in school, I like to just close my eyes, take some deep breathes, and tell myself, “Step by step I’ll get through”.
Just wanted to say that your not alone.
Thank you
Hey AvoidingReality,
Getting help is not a one stop shopping experience. I have been in one form of therapy for most of my life…and it just keeps getting better…and easier. I think i’m almost finished with therapy though…hahaha…I am 51 after all. But I took something from every source…and little by little…I found my hope again.
I forget who I tell what here…so I apologize if I have already told you this…but I tried to kill myself for the first time before I was 4…and many, many times after that. It was when I failed the last time that I finally got a big kick in the pants and started getting better for good. I have changed almost everything about “me” in the last few years…including a lifestyle of voluntary simplicity. What I’m trying to say…don’t give up…there is a purpose to your life…I just pray you find it before it’s too late and you have to start all over again. I know that sometimes suicide seems like the logical answer…but that is only when “nothing” seems to make sense anymore but death…I swear…it isn’t an answer…merely another question. So please don’t give up on you…if I think you’re worth the work and effort….you should too.
No matter what…I wish you Peace
Amakua
Hello,
I’m not too sure on therapy or counselling in all honstesty, in my views it makes the situation worse? as you feel as you have no freedom and your constantly being watched, let alone knowing you need help just to be stereotyped as ‘normal’?
No you havnt told me about that, and I am deeply worthy to hear that. And in trying not to give up, but it’d hard to fight for something you can’t see, and I cannot see that purpose at all. But i will try, as I see you point. Thank you for the thoughts and conciseration, it has ment a lot.
Many thanks and hope for the future,
Avoiding reality 🙂
Hey AvoidingReality…are you drafting a new post? Let me know if you want to continue this conversation or should I just wait for the new post. I dunno…I thought it was Tuesday today…that’s how on the ball I am today…hahaha
Here if you want to talk
Ama
Hey Ama
Im not really no, but if you like we can carry On the conversation? It is Tuesday, what do you mean by that? How are you?
A,R 🙂
Hey AvoidingReality,
How am I? Sad? Cuz I gotta run for a few hours…gotta get my poop in a group. Will be back after 6…it’s 2 now. I really would like to continue this convo.
More importantly…How are You? I really need to figure out them emoticon things…maybe I will ask my daughter when she gets home…hahaha She will shame me for my ignorance…but sometimes it’s worth it.
Later Gator…I hope
Ama
Hello again Ama,
Oh thats ok, I’ll try to come back online later? Or I’ll reply soon enough after?? I’m fine I geuss, what the ‘:)’ emoticons? Ahaha sorry, it’s amusing because I was just having a conversation with someone about them, and they also don’t understand them, even thoughtthey are my age :’)
Hope to hear from you soon
A,r 🙂
Hey AvoidingReality,
Sorry I took so long…just asked my 16 year old daughter for my first emoticon lesson 😀 She actually laughed at me…well more like snickered 🙁
She told me to stick to basics for awhile…smartass kid. When I first came to SP last year…I had never even e-mailed before. I had no idea what I was doing…hahaha. One day I overheard her tell her friend…my mom’s a blogger. I was horrified…what the hell is a blogger I asked. You are …she said…and laughed. I didn’t even know there was a name for it. So the fact that I finally figured out what day it was 😛 is an accomplishment…haha
Sooo…how do you make the yellow smiley ones? Hmmm? Don’t make me ask my daughter…haha…I can’t take the shame and ridicule. hahaha
And don’t worry about laughing at me…I laugh at me all the friggin’ time…I’m tired of crying…and it makes me look ugly as hell…do they have an emoticon for that?
Hope I catch you tonight…not planning to stick around too long…the atmosphere here tonight is kinda off.
Lots of Love
Ama
Dear Ama,
Good to hear you figured it out, it’s really quite simple once you get used to it. I’d just thought to tell you I wont be on here a lot, everythings fucking up and I need to focus on ‘reality’ rather than here. Sorry. I see no need to laugh at you for that,my generation is the Internet generation after all, so it’s easier for me to use stuff like emoticons 😀
From
Avoiding reality
Oh shit…look at me…I’m an emoticon genious…wait till I show the kid…hahaha 😉
Hey AvoidingReality,
Ahhh…I’m a slow old woman…but when I get something…I get it. 😀 I hope the same is true for you…haha…not for you to be a slow old woman…but to keep learning and striving to be better…master your art…YOU. You are your own work of art. Hey…I understand…I’ve just come back from a long hiatus myself. Just remember…if things get too tough…you can come and go anytime you like. You are always welcome here. I hope you get some focus on your reality and I hope you figure out that you are worth everything and more. One step at a time, a thought changes, a habit is broken…whatever…keep moving forward. I hope you find your Peace of mind my friend…yes I do.
Lots of Love
Have enjoyed meeting and talking to you
Ama
Thank you ama, I hope the best for you too, Thnak you fr the mch needed advice you have given, and u hope your future is pleasant 🙂
Many thanks and lots of love
Avoiding reality